What If I Took All of Your Advice?

This is my very sarcastic way of dealing with ridiculous advice I receive regularly.  Take it at face value.  I believe in a happy healthy balanced life and would basically make any lifestyle change necessary to have a baby.  I also don’t need to hear what I need to do to get pregnant from every fertile Myrtle out there.

What if I took all of your advice……

What if I stopped paying fertility doctors all this money, and just took a month long vacation.  I mean taking a vacation so I can relax will definitely get me knocked up right?  And it has to be a month because that’s how long my cycle is, so I need to stay totally relaxed for the whole month.

I am also going to give up all sugar, and gluten, and dairy, and alcohol.  Oh and no more red meat.  Maybe no more meat at all.  But since I absolutely cannot be stressed in any way, and I don’t know how to be vegan and gluten free, I will need someone to prepare my meals.  I better hire a personal chef.

I am also going to work out every day.  And do yoga every day.  But I don’t want to overdo it, so I am going to need a trainer, and a yoga teacher.

I am also going to need to do acupuncture every day.

While I am doing all of this, I am also going to adopt.  I mean everyone gets pregnant after they adopt right?  And adoption is really easy and of course, so inexpensive.  There are so many children that need homes they will just let me have one.  The best reason to adopt is so that I can get pregnant right?  Should I put that on my application?  I will need a nanny for my newly adopted child, because really I am focusing on getting pregnant so someone will need to take care of the child I have adopted just so I can get pregnant…I am not allowed any stress you know.

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So it’s been a month and I am not pregnant.  It’s ok though because I am really young so I have lots of time.  As it turns out they won’t just give you a child to adopt just because you want to have a baby.  There is actually a lot of red tape, and classes, and lawyers.  Oh and money, lots of money.  I had to take the whole month off unpaid, since I don’t actually have a month of vacation time, so I am short on money.  I spent my entire savings on my month vacation too, paying my acupuncturist and my chef, and my trainer.  Now that I am back at work, in order to keep my stress at a minimum I am still going to need to do yoga and acupuncture every day.  It’s going to be a lot more difficult now since I have a work schedule to follow.  I am going to need my house keeper to come every day and I need to keep my chef on staff to make all of my special meals, and probably another meal for my husband because I know he won’t be vegan.  I can’t possibly take on the stress of cooking for him too.  I should also probably get a chauffeur so I don’t have to deal with the stress of traffic on my commute.  This is getting pretty pricey….but as you know, I just need to relax and I will be pregnant in no time.

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Another month has gone by and I have been following my exercise, eating, and stress management routine to the tee.  I am still not pregnant, but good news….I am going to get really wasted this weekend.  Getting really drunk will be just the ticket.  I will be pregnant in no time I am sure of it.  If you could clarify, do you need to get really drunk a few times, or every day? Or does just once make it happen?  Please let me know because I am breaking my special diet for this sure fire way to get pregnant since you said it’s a guarantee.

………

Well it’s been another month and getting really drunk did not help me get pregnant.  I did suffer from some serious headaches and nausea.  Oh and I gained weight.  All this vegan food didn’t really give me the base I needed to absorb all the alcohol.  Good news though, I am a cheap drunk.  This month I am going to start taking birth control so I can get pregnant.  After all, you told me if my doctors were smart they would put me on birth control because I would definitely get pregnant if I took birth control.

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Well another month has gone by and birth control did not help me get pregnant.  It’s ok though because you reminded me that I am really young and have a lot of time.  Could you define a lot of time for me though?  It’s already been years so I am just curious how much time I really have.  What exactly are you basing my time on?  What if I want to have more than one child?  Oh I shouldn’t worry about having the second one because as long as I go on vacation, relax, eat absolutely nothing except vegetables, get drunk, do yoga, do acupuncture, and take birth control I will be able to get pregnant for a second time really easily.  Ok I will trust you, since you know everything there is to know about what will help me get pregnant.

It’s sort of weird how you know so much about getting me pregnant.  You never went to med school.  You have no idea what PCOS or Endometriosis or unexplained infertility actually is.  Have you ever heard of diminished ovarian reserve?   What about blocked tubes or low progesterone in the luteal phase? Anovulation?  You didn’t have recurrent miscarriages or chemical pregnancies.  Your husband doesn’t have low sperm count or motility issues.  You don’t even know what morphology means.  All of this (and so much more) is just pish-posh.  Obviously all of these can be overcome by taking a vacation.  Man if only we just could just relax we would all be pregnant in a snap.

What will you say to me after all of these months have gone by and I have followed all of your advice…..and I am not pregnant?  What advice will you give me then?  Since you think you know best….I just want to know where to go from here….

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I know I am being dramatic.  Mostly for affect.  Hopefully you can relate and laugh.  Surprisingly this post was a great way just to detox negative feelings about all of the wonderful unsolicited advice and comments I receive from friends, acquaintances and strangers on my infertility.  Unfortunately I know this will keep getting these comments and I know I am not alone.  I know they usually don’t come from a mean/malicious place, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t hurtful or offensive.  My only hope is that I am gracious with my real life responses, and that all of this makes me more sensitive to others going through a tough situation.