The Right Time

I have been thinking about this post for a while and now is the perfect time to actually write it.  I have a job interview tomorrow.  I have actually been looking for a job for a while now.  I started looking even harder when my husband changed jobs at the beginning of the year mostly because I travel every week and it’s incredibly difficult to be gone so much.  I actually have a really good job, and if not for the travel, I would likely stay.  I have been here for almost 7 years, some of my coworkers have been come some of my closest friends, my boss and I get along great and I have a lot of flexibility, and I have a good reputation within the company.  I was actually recently selected as one of 29 people in the entire company (it is very large company) to be mentored by someone on our senior leadership team.  All reasons to stay.  Unfortunately the drive to the south bay area is enough to make me crazy.  And I hate being away from home for 3 days a week.  It makes it impossible to have true work life balance, and clearly this is something that will be even more difficult when I have a baby.  Just doing the IUI with the unknown exact timing was stressful (although not as stressful as it would have been without L who is a life saver).   With all of that said, I cannot just leave for any job.  I have to be selective because we can’t afford for me to take a pay cut and I need something stable.  The market in my area is nothing compared to what it is in the bay area so finding a comparable job here is difficult.  So finally after all this time, and several interviews for jobs that didn’t seem quite right here I am with the best opportunity that has come to me.  The job is very comparable to my current position and the money is right.  The company is established and has a good reputation, although it is smaller than the company where I currently work.  The benefits, I have heard, are also great will full medical, dental and vision paid by the company.  All in all this is a great opportunity. 

The timing of this is sort of throwing me off.  I got the call from the recruiter a few days before my IUI.  Clearly I have no idea if I am or am not pregnant.  Maybe I am pregnant.  Maybe I am lucky enough to just need one IUI to get there.  That would be a blessing.  Such a blessing.  If this job does end up working out I would be hopeful to start in February, because my bonus is paid on January 24th.  After the intense but very successful year I have had it will have to be one hell of an offer to get me to walk away earlier.  But if I am pregnant I will be in my second trimester in February.  Not great timing and all sorts of ethical questions raised on telling them or not telling them.  I mean how could I tell them they have to wait for my bonus to be paid, and then a few weeks later tell them I will be out on maternity leave in a few months.  I am trying my best not to over think it, but if I am pregnant my decision making will be different than if I am not. 

So when is the right time to start your family?  And when you have fertility issues, how do you decide to move forward with life changing events?  Being on the TTC bench is like torture so putting that on the back burner would break my heart.  I feel like I can’t live in a land of “if I am pregnant then…”.  I have to admit that getting this job, and not traveling anymore, would benefit long term.  When we first decided to even try our life was ideal for starting a family, but all I could think was that things would never be truly perfect so you just figure it out as it comes.  As I have been going through all of this I have been listening to three songs that have helped me remain calm and patient to the unknown.  One of them is Sovereign by Chris Tomlin.  While all of the lyrics speak true to me right now, this one really hits home

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

The truth is, all I can do is trust God to lead me through all of this and make the best decisions possible.  I have been trying to remember to pray for guidance and patience and be thankful.  That’s proves to be difficult when there is something that I want so badly.  There may never be a perfect time for us to have a baby, and clearly even if there were my body wouldn’t cooperate with precise timing.  So I push on, praying and trusting in God. 

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One thought on “The Right Time

  1. I HATE the “what if I could be pregnant?” game! I’ve tried to rearrange vacations, figure out the best time to buy a house and how big of a house to buy, career decisions… it all sucks in the land of unknown fertility status. It does sounds like the new job could potentially be better now and when you ultimately have a baby, with one really awkward conversation in-between. Good luck with the interview!

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