Pedicures are Cheap Therapy

This morning I treated myself to a pedicure and gel manicure.  I have a little place that I recently discovered about 5 minutes from my house.  They are very affordable, they do a good job, and they are always really friendly (and never try to upsell you).  I made an appointment for right when they opened so about 20 minutes after rolling out of bed I headed over.  Thankfully its right next to a Starbucks.  First, I have to say, it was the best pedicure massage I have gotten, ever.  She took a full hour and fifteen minutes to do my pedicure.  It was amazing.  The owner had also gotten some new gel colors, a few of which apparently change shades with your “mood” (actually temperature I am sure), so I tried one of those.  The normal shade is kind of a purple/blue color which is actually really pretty!  On a side note, before I get to my actual subject, the owner told me a hilarious story about how she likes to get drunk on wine at the end of the day and go shopping at Ross which is across the parking lot.  It’s mostly hilarious to me because her English isn’t great, so I don’t think she meant that she actually gets wasted or anything but it just struck me as funny that she would be telling me this.

Anyway….usually when I get my nails done I go with someone else and we chat during the process.  Today I went alone and it was good because I had a lot of time to just think.  Christmas at our house is a quiet day because we don’t have my step son so my husband and I just kind of hang out.  I thought maybe I would actually get some things done, like projects that I never seem to get to on the weekends.  Instead I did a lot of nothing.  I did make chex mix to take as a snack on our trip, and we started to pack (we leave for Oregon tomorrow).  Amidst my doing nothing I started to sort of freak about how I could find out I am pregnant at the beginning of January, if this IUI worked, and while I would be beyond thrilled, I am also starting a new job in February.  I signed my offer letter before Christmas, therefore not pregnant, but they are waiting for me to start until February so I can get my bonus.  I will definitely feel bad to them if I have to tell them I am pregnant a month later.  Again, I will be nothing but happy to finally be pregnant but I started to freak out thinking maybe I would just stay at my current job if that happened.  This is my weakness…..stressing over things that haven’t happened yet.  Trying to make decisions and find solutions about things that aren’t known or real problems.  During my alone time getting my pedicure I started to think through the situation again, and finally kicked myself in the ass and remembered my promise to myself.  To trust God and his timing.  If this is supposed to happen now it will.  I have been looking at job opportunities in my area for a year and just now, God made it happen.  He brought me the right opportunity now, not six months ago, or a year ago.  Everything will work out.  As one of my favorite songs we sing at church says, He works everything for good.  I do believe that and I do need to get out of my own head and just go with it as it comes.  It’s amazing the clarity that comes while someone is rubbing your feet.  J

Infertile Holiday Cheer

I had intended on posting a pic of my adorable reindeer socks in the stirrups, but the picture was beyond terrible.  My legs are as pasty white and dry as can be thanks to the dry winter weather, and the angle was terrible, so I am going to pass on posting the pic, but I will tell you in my last three days in the stirrups for my ultrasound and 2 IUIs I was very festive.  Day one: snowflakes.  Day two: snowmen.  Day three (today): reindeer.  Last month I didn’t wear socks at all, mostly because I had been wearing ballet flats when I went in for my appointments.  This time, even on the day that I wasn’t wearing socks with my shoes, I stuffed a fun pair in my purse.  Truthfully I have had very little holiday cheer this year, so these last few days before Christmas I really am trying to step it up. 

Thursday when I went in for my ultrasound as I was going back the nurse sort of asked me/sort of told me I would be seeing Dr. M.  I was surprised because Dr. M was the only doctor at the clinic I had seen at all, ever.  He is my doctor.  The nurse explained to me since I was a “call in that morning to schedule bc of my positive LH” that I was scheduled to see the procedure doctor (for that day), Dr. A, but she was too busy so Dr. M agreed to do it.  I guess I sort of knew there was a chance I could see a different doctor, but I sort of had it in my head that it would only happen on a weekend if I had to go in, because not every Dr. works on the weekends.  Well for the last two days I for my actual IUI’s I had Dr. SA.  Not a fan.  My first IUI’s (done by Dr. M) weren’t exactly comfortable but not unpleasant either.  Dr. SA was much more rough, enough that I actually made a face both times.  His bedside manner was also not my favorite.  :-/

Between appointments (my husband’s drop off and my IUI), we went to Toy’s R US to Christmas shop for my step-son.  He is six, and there is honestly nothing in particular that he wants (other than a rainbow loom which his mother is getting for him).  We ended up picking out some crayola stuff, a video game for Wii, a board game,  and some stocking stuffers.  I have a few other things that I have picked out for him over the past month like new jammies and other little stuff.  We actually don’t get to celebrate with him until the 26th, because he went to SoCal with his mom.  We usually have him every weekend, but he left yesterday for SoCal, so we sort of don’t know what to do with ourselves all weekend.  We are going to to a nice dinner tonight at one of our favorite local restaurants, The Chef’s Table.  They have amazing fried chicken with bacon gravy.  I am very pumped. 

For now I am going to veg out on the couch and maybe do some wrapping later on.  Happy weekend.

IUI #1 Results

As I suspected IUI #1 was a BIG FAT FAILURE. I am overall, ok. Yesterday I was pretty sad. I had lunch plans with three other girls to plan A’s baby shower. One of them, who I only met a few months ago, through A, is also having issues. She is actually the only person I know in real life going through this. They didn’t call me until 3 to tell me the results, which I was annoyed. Well I should say they called me at noon to tell me they had them but were waiting for the Dr. to review them before they could tell me. I’m not sure what there was to review. They actually put the results online before they called (which I was stalker refreshing my online account all day), so I actually saw the results quite a while before they actually called. When they did actually call the nurse was very sympathetic and asked me if I wanted to try again. While I understand why they ask you that, I couldn’t help but think, do people just stop after one IUI?

To try and make myself feel better I bought a venti latte and some bath salts from Aveda that I love. My dream was to come home from work and take a nice long soak in the tub with some vino. Unfortunately when I got home my husband had apparently promised my step son we could decorate for Christmas. Not in the mood is an understatement to how i felt about doing this right after I walked in the door. So there I was, hanging our stockings on the fire place with tears just streaming down my face. No bath. No time to decompress and just cry by myself.

The thing is, I really am ok with the result and now I just want to move on to IUI #2. But I did need time to mourn the bad news and I completely feel like I didn’t get that. Today I was hoping to just wake up with a “it’s a new day, let’s do this” attitude, but since I didn’t get the chance to just let out all the negative feelings about the BFN I can’t. I just feel sad today.

Speaking of moving forward, the nurse said it could take up to 14 days for my period to start after stopping progesterone. 14 days?!?!?! Basically everyone around me better hope it doesn’t take that long because I imagine I will be pretty miserable to be around. If its not here by the 12th it will screw up our trip to Oregon after Christmas.

On top of all of this, my husband and I are fighting off sickness.  He hasn’t been feeling well all week and just can’t shake it.  I spent a good amount of time in the middle of the night with a stomach ache trying not to throw up.  We are both in bad moods, and I just don’t see this being a good weekend.  It’s uncommonly cold for where we live, and I hate cold weather.  That’s why I live in California.  I don’t even want to leave the house, or my spot on the couch under my cozy blanket.  Pity party for one.

Out of my Hands

I went to Labcorp this afternoon to get my beta.  I am pretty sure its negative, but I guess you never know.  I am a little irritated that I won’t actually find out until tomorrow because if I’m not it would be nice to at least enjoy a glass of wine tonight at my husband’s birthday dinner.  Whatever.  I will live. 

I have really been struggling with what to do if the result is negative.  Do I do another IUI in December?  Do I put it off until January so I can enjoy the holidays (which will be right in the middle of my 2WW), and see how the new job thing plays out?  I told my husband yesterday that I wanted to skip December.  I thought about it for days.  The pros and cons of both.  And I thought I had made a decision I was happy with….until today. 

As I was driving back to work from the lab, it sort of hit me that none of this is really in my control.  I may or may not be pregnant now, I may or may not get this job, and I may or may not even be “lucky” enough to only need a few IUI’s to have a healthy baby.  None of those things are my decision.  The only thing that is my decision is deciding to go forward to pursuit them.  The results are completely in God’s hands. 

Skipping another month of actively TTC (via IUI) with no medical reason not too, is silly.  While my job opportunity is very promising, they were open about saying they were interviewing other candidates, which is completely understandable.  Nothing is guaranteed.   I could be writing at the end of January that I do not have a new job and I would be 2 months further behind on having a baby.  I cannot even imagine how mad I would be at myself.  I am going to relinquish control (or my unsuccessful attempt to control) the timing and outcome of things, and just roll with it. 

If my result is negative tomorrow, lets all just wish hope and pray that AF comes knocking quickly so we can get this show on the road!