Out of my Hands

I went to Labcorp this afternoon to get my beta.  I am pretty sure its negative, but I guess you never know.  I am a little irritated that I won’t actually find out until tomorrow because if I’m not it would be nice to at least enjoy a glass of wine tonight at my husband’s birthday dinner.  Whatever.  I will live. 

I have really been struggling with what to do if the result is negative.  Do I do another IUI in December?  Do I put it off until January so I can enjoy the holidays (which will be right in the middle of my 2WW), and see how the new job thing plays out?  I told my husband yesterday that I wanted to skip December.  I thought about it for days.  The pros and cons of both.  And I thought I had made a decision I was happy with….until today. 

As I was driving back to work from the lab, it sort of hit me that none of this is really in my control.  I may or may not be pregnant now, I may or may not get this job, and I may or may not even be “lucky” enough to only need a few IUI’s to have a healthy baby.  None of those things are my decision.  The only thing that is my decision is deciding to go forward to pursuit them.  The results are completely in God’s hands. 

Skipping another month of actively TTC (via IUI) with no medical reason not too, is silly.  While my job opportunity is very promising, they were open about saying they were interviewing other candidates, which is completely understandable.  Nothing is guaranteed.   I could be writing at the end of January that I do not have a new job and I would be 2 months further behind on having a baby.  I cannot even imagine how mad I would be at myself.  I am going to relinquish control (or my unsuccessful attempt to control) the timing and outcome of things, and just roll with it. 

If my result is negative tomorrow, lets all just wish hope and pray that AF comes knocking quickly so we can get this show on the road!

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One thought on “Out of my Hands

  1. Go with what your gut tells you and do things regardless of ttc. This is what I would wish someone would tell me sometimes…lol. I just heard this in a discussion today being said by a psychologist which went something like this “it’s always best to go with your gut feeling ’cause your gut feeling is never wrong – ’cause if you don’t go with your gut feeling you eventually have to deal with your mistakes” – that in a way sounded believable to me reflecting on mistakes I’ve done in the past. This might or might not help your decision, but I thought it won’t hurt sharing it with you 🙂 And I hope you get your bfp soon even if it’s not this time around…and I don’t think a glass of wine will hurt either way 🙂

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