Today is ultrasound day (CD11). I was very surprised that my OPK kit was positive because the last two cycles it wasn’t positive until CD12. It was the darkest positive line I have gotten ever. I went to the clinic and saw Dr A. This is the first time I have met her.
The ultrasound went well. She said my lining was good, but I will have to check my patient website to see exactly what it was because she did not tell me. I had several follicles on both sides, but only one that was mature enough to ovulate. I was really hoping for two, especially with the increase in Letrozole this cycle. Either way I have one that is ready to go, so they gave me my Ovidrel shot and tomorrow is IUI day.
After the ultrasound I asked Dr. A what happens if this one, IUI number three, doesn’t work. In hindsight I really wish I had had this conversation with Dr. M. Not that the answer would have been different, but I just have a familiarity with him that fosters trust. However, with what was the shit show of cycle day one and my clinic being totally unorganized with my treatment plan, I sort of felt like I had to ask today. Also I have no idea which doctor I will see tomorrow, or when I will get a chance to see Dr. M again. Basically she said after three failed IUI’s they do a regroup, which makes total sense. If it comes to this, I am going to insist on having this regroup with Dr. M. Anyway, she said that based on my endometriosis, and that we also have male factor issues or best chance is IVF with ICSI. I was a little surprised that she would bring up the male factor because my husband’s numbers have all been in the range of normal since he started taking the fertility vitamins. I wasn’t going to go into that with her, but something I will bring up with Dr. M. She said that there is a possibility that if the sperm is actually getting to my egg, they haven’t been able to penetrate the shell. She said I have responded well to the letrozole and we could try another IUI with a low dose of injectables but they usually don’t do more than 4 IUI’s before moving on to IVF. I always thought it was six. When I left she gave me a sheet on injectables. I also asked how the injectable cycle would differ with appointments and what not, and basically she said that there may be 2-3 ultrasounds (and no OPK), rather than just one.
I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all the information. Our first IUI seems like it was only 5 minutes ago, so it doesn’t seem real that we could be here already. I really don’t want to think about the “what if it doesn’t work” I want to be positive. We are in no way able to afford IVF right now so I have no idea what we will do. For now I am trying to stay calm and relaxed. Through all of this my husband has never said anything but positive “this is going to work” type things. Last night in bed he said “I have no idea what we are going to do if this doesn’t work”. Unfortunately I had a headache and really wasn’t up for talking in length about it. He mentioned that “we already have a kid”. Yes, we do. Except I am not his mother. I didn’t get to hold him as a baby. I don’t get to go to the first day of school with him. He doesn’t call me mommy. I am absolutely his parent, but not his mother. My husband will never understand the difference, because he is his father. I believe in the depths of my soul that I am supposed to be a mother.
Tonight I am going to pray. Take a deep breath, and just pray.