Currently….

It’s Friday.  I hope you all are celebrating.  Did you know August starts next Friday?!?!  I don’t have anything specifically interesting to report on right now, which I actually find to be a good thing….I am ready for some just normal life!  So here is a random post on my current state of being….

Currently, I am…

Listening….to the office chatter.  I really miss the walls and door of my OFFICE at my previous job.  I also miss working with two of my best friends.

Eating…nothing right now but I just finished some oatmeal.  Someone brought donuts into the office today….which is cruel because we also have a baby shower today at lunchtime complete with cupcakes and ice cream.  So far I have stayed away from the donuts. 

Drinking….Water. And contemplating a trip to sbux for coffee. 

Wearing- A dress, even though we have casual Fridays at work (my boss is literally wearing a T-shirt, shorts and sneakers).  My dress is so cute though.  The top is coral and the bottom is black and white stripes. 

Feeling..happy that its Friday…..but next Friday will be better because we have half day Fridays at work in August!

Weather…It’s actually been not-so-bad (like highs in the low 90s)…..but the forecast from today until at least Wednesday is 100+….On a related note it is still weird to me that the hottest part of the day here is around 5pm…..and that the temperature flux in 24 hours can be 40+ degrees up and down (low of 64- high of 104). 

Wanting..to be laying by a pool rather than sitting at a desk

Neeing….to do some actual work….but I am not really in the mood

Thinking…. about what I am going to do with my stepson tomorrow while my husband is at a soccer coaching clinic for like 6 hours.

Enjoying….. being back in a “normal” routine and the extra energy I have from getting back to regular workouts.

PS- Happy FRIDAY

What to Expect

 

This weekend was really lovely. Lovely in the way that we have absolutely no plans. I left the house exactly four times to go to the grocery store, church, Target and the pool. I went for a run Saturday morning and swam laps at the pool Saturday afternoon…..leading to a really nice nap in the late afternoon. The kind of nap where you are sleeping so hard you drool. Sunday was filled with no such physical activity. Actually my husband took my stepson to the movies leaving me about 3 hours home alone.

This weekend “me time” is almost unheard of without prior scheduling/planning. There were a few things that I considered doing with this time including getting a pedicure, hitting the mall, working on some of my projects that have gone untouched for months……

Instead I did a quick rearrangement of the playroom, and then settled in bed and put on a movie on Netflix. This is actually pretty out of character for me because I am really not into movies. I could watch episode after episode of a TV series but putting in a movie always seems like too much of a time commitment. I also haven’t been to a movie theater to see a movie (that wasn’t animated with SS) for at least 4 years. Furthermore, we really only have Netflix for SS. We only have the membership with instant streaming and there have rarely been adult movies on it that I would want to watch in the first place.

(On a side note I do use it to stream documentaries about the ocean because I LOVE THEM. I am actually pretty scared of the ocean or any open body of water, so I don’t know exactly where my fascination with the documentaries comes from but I could watch them for hours.)

So after that way too long intro are you just dying to know what movie I watched….or did the title totally give it away….ok you got me…I watched “What to Expect When You are Expecting”. I know, dangerous territory for a woman going on her third year of TTC. After sitting through the baby dedication at Church yesterday listening to our pastor talk about how babies are a gift from God and the parents should be so honored (which is absolutely true but hard to hear when I’m still patiently waiting for my gift) and holding myself together, I just felt like I would be able to watch the movie. Also I was alone so if I needed to sob, I could.

Honestly I thought the movie would be really cheesy and very “rainbows and butterflies”….and….I was pleasantly surprised shocked. For something made in Hollywood for the sole purpose of making money it was actually very REAL. It touched on real life elements of TTC, pregnancy, and even infertility. Of course, given my own situation I think they could have gone deeper into said unpleasantries of the baby making world, but again this is a movie and given that my expectations I was very surprised. If you haven’t watched it, I would actually recommend it. I will be honest, I did cry. There are parts of this movie that really hit home for me, but I give the writers respect for attempting to show the ugly parts of TTC and pregnancy in a movie meant for the masses. Maybe it would be lost on someone without the same life experiences as me, but I appreciate the attempt.

There is one character whom does get pregnant after trying for 2 years the old fashioned way. They make it clear that she and her husband have done quite a bit of timed romps in the sack. There is a scene in the movie when they are telling the parents and one of them responds with “oh you guys have been trying for a while right? Like 2-3 months?”. When the couple corrects him, clearly he is uncomfortable and changes the subject. Next month is my three year wedding anniversary, which is also the third anniversary of pulling the goalie. We didn’t start keeping track of things until the following January, but the net will have been unmanned for 3 years…..and our friends/family have known we have been trying for 1-2 years. I know that when this finally happens everyone will be happy for us, for the first time I wonder if people will say things like that to me and how I will handle it. I mean I don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone to point out the length of time you have been trying (whether they are accurate or not), but then there are a lot of people who don’t seem to have a filter on what is or is not appropriate to say about the subject of baby making, pregnancy, or parenting.

I wonder how I will feel about it. Would I want all of the heartbreak and disappointment to be recognized when I finally have my day? I mean I am fighting hard for this and it feels like everyone else around me is popping out babies left and right with little effort. The truth is, when my child is 5, they will be like every other 5 year old. The only person that will remember the struggle is me (and my husband of course). I had never really thought about this until now, but I do completely understand why it’s really hard for women to know to feel about their pregnancies after going through all of this. I can understand why it would be hard to just be 100% purely happy. There are just so many emotions jumbled up in all of this, and they don’t just go away overnight I’m sure.

I know I am 2 years late in watching this movie, but if you haven’t seen it, you should. It was way different than what I was expecting and really gave me a lot to think about.

Infertility Bullies

I have been writing this post in my head since yesterday. After I read Waiting for Baby Bird’s post a lot of thoughts and emotions came up. The more I thought it through the more passionate I felt about it, from several angles. I suggest you read her post, but the gist is that she received a negative/hurtful comment on her blog. The comment was more than just a difference of opinion, it was an attack of her character. It was meant to bring her down. As you read through the post is clear that it got under her skin. How could it not? It was personal. Thankfully because she is the amazing person that she is, she rose far above it. She took the highest road possible and I could not feel more proud of her. She stood up for herself with class and dignity.
I could say a lot of amazing things about Elisha at Waiting for Baby Bird. She is a person that I truly wish I knew in real life. Her blog comments (to me) are always supportive and uplifting. Her posts offer perspective and hope. Her faith is simply inspirational. I do have a confession to make. When I first came across her blog I was reluctant to follow/read. Honestly I was intimidated. I felt so lost in my own journey that I almost didn’t feel worthy to interact with someone so brave and strong. I pray for the strength and faith she has every day. What if she judged me for my choices because they were different than her own (related to infertility). But then as I read more of her blog, and saw her comments on other’s blogs it became very clear that she does not judge anyone for their path. She is nothing but supportive and kind.
Here is the thing about the internet. It is totally your choice to say something or quietly agree to disagree and click that little X at the upper right hand corner. I have never understood why someone would voluntarily be cruel. I wonder how Elisha’s commenter felt after making the post to her blog. Did it make her feel better about herself? What did she expect Elisha to do? What was she trying to accomplish other than just being mean? There is absolutely nothing that would require her to read Elisha’s blog. She has a choice to just pretend it doesn’t exist so why go to the trouble to write something so hurtful? I can say with some confidence that she did not expect Elisha to respond the way that she did.
Aside from my instinct to stick up for my blog friend, her post also got me thinking about infertility bullies. Infertility can me a seriously touchy/uncomfortable subject and everyone seems to have an opinion on what someone battling it should or should not be doing. Think how often a friend or family member offers up advice that is insensitive/hurtful we are left speechless because “they are just trying to help”. How am I supposed to feel grateful when someone is actually being so hurtful? It is amazing that people feel entitled to give you medical advice on fertility. If I had a heart condition or cancer I doubt friends/family/strangers would be so inclined to tell me how to treat it. It might not always be intentional but all of this advice can definitely leave you questioning yourself or even feeling badly.
Beyond just the unsolicited advice we also get the comments such as “well maybe it’s just not meant to be” or “at some point it just seems unnatural” when explaining the complicated science behind fertility treatments. First, people don’t get to decide what is nor is not meant to be. How exactly would one expect the response to that to go? Something like “You know what you’re right. I think I will just give up. It’s pretty hopeless”. No one wins with a negative attitude. Regardless of the odds it is pretty hard to believe that anyone would suggest that a person just give up in any situation because it seems hopeless. It’s ridiculous and really out of line.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/natural

The link above is the Merriam-Webster definition of natural. Based on this “official” definition I believe you would be hard pressed to find anything in medical science that is natural. So why is it “unnatural” to conceive a child through fertility treatments, but when my dad was on a ventilator and who knows how many man-made drugs to save his life, no one told me it was unnatural and therefore wrong. Infertility is an actual medical issue and if I choose to seek treatment from a doctor to overcome it, well that is my choice and having someone bully me into thinking what I am doing is wrong is ridiculous. No one is going to tell my dad that he shouldn’t have saved his life because western medicine is unnatural, or on a lesser scale, that you shouldn’t fix a broken bone or take antibiotics for an infection. At the end of the say babies born out of IVF or any other fertility treatment are not made of plastic. They are skin, bones, hair, lungs and heart just like those made the old fashioned way.
On the flip side, if choose not to seek medical intervention for infertility that is your choice too. Having enough faith to believe that God will bring you a baby against the odds is amazing. Just because you go through an RE and do IUIs or IVF you are not guaranteed a baby. Fertility treatments are hard. There is a physical, emotional and financial toll. There is no easy answer. It is a personal choice and no one has a right to judge it one way or the other.
All of these comments that I get, whether they are to our face or on a blog, back me into a corner. They make me question my choices and why I have made them. They bring me down and make me feel alone. It definitely makes me feel judged. It feels pretty unfair. And no matter what decisions I make someone will always have something to say about it one way or the other. At the end of the day I have a choice. I can be angry and ashamed, or I can hold my head up high and stand up for myself with dignity. It is people like Elisha that help me take the later approach. I am better for having read her blog and I can only admire how brave she is for just putting herself out there.  Thank you, Elisha, for being awesome.