What to Expect

 

This weekend was really lovely. Lovely in the way that we have absolutely no plans. I left the house exactly four times to go to the grocery store, church, Target and the pool. I went for a run Saturday morning and swam laps at the pool Saturday afternoon…..leading to a really nice nap in the late afternoon. The kind of nap where you are sleeping so hard you drool. Sunday was filled with no such physical activity. Actually my husband took my stepson to the movies leaving me about 3 hours home alone.

This weekend “me time” is almost unheard of without prior scheduling/planning. There were a few things that I considered doing with this time including getting a pedicure, hitting the mall, working on some of my projects that have gone untouched for months……

Instead I did a quick rearrangement of the playroom, and then settled in bed and put on a movie on Netflix. This is actually pretty out of character for me because I am really not into movies. I could watch episode after episode of a TV series but putting in a movie always seems like too much of a time commitment. I also haven’t been to a movie theater to see a movie (that wasn’t animated with SS) for at least 4 years. Furthermore, we really only have Netflix for SS. We only have the membership with instant streaming and there have rarely been adult movies on it that I would want to watch in the first place.

(On a side note I do use it to stream documentaries about the ocean because I LOVE THEM. I am actually pretty scared of the ocean or any open body of water, so I don’t know exactly where my fascination with the documentaries comes from but I could watch them for hours.)

So after that way too long intro are you just dying to know what movie I watched….or did the title totally give it away….ok you got me…I watched “What to Expect When You are Expecting”. I know, dangerous territory for a woman going on her third year of TTC. After sitting through the baby dedication at Church yesterday listening to our pastor talk about how babies are a gift from God and the parents should be so honored (which is absolutely true but hard to hear when I’m still patiently waiting for my gift) and holding myself together, I just felt like I would be able to watch the movie. Also I was alone so if I needed to sob, I could.

Honestly I thought the movie would be really cheesy and very “rainbows and butterflies”….and….I was pleasantly surprised shocked. For something made in Hollywood for the sole purpose of making money it was actually very REAL. It touched on real life elements of TTC, pregnancy, and even infertility. Of course, given my own situation I think they could have gone deeper into said unpleasantries of the baby making world, but again this is a movie and given that my expectations I was very surprised. If you haven’t watched it, I would actually recommend it. I will be honest, I did cry. There are parts of this movie that really hit home for me, but I give the writers respect for attempting to show the ugly parts of TTC and pregnancy in a movie meant for the masses. Maybe it would be lost on someone without the same life experiences as me, but I appreciate the attempt.

There is one character whom does get pregnant after trying for 2 years the old fashioned way. They make it clear that she and her husband have done quite a bit of timed romps in the sack. There is a scene in the movie when they are telling the parents and one of them responds with “oh you guys have been trying for a while right? Like 2-3 months?”. When the couple corrects him, clearly he is uncomfortable and changes the subject. Next month is my three year wedding anniversary, which is also the third anniversary of pulling the goalie. We didn’t start keeping track of things until the following January, but the net will have been unmanned for 3 years…..and our friends/family have known we have been trying for 1-2 years. I know that when this finally happens everyone will be happy for us, for the first time I wonder if people will say things like that to me and how I will handle it. I mean I don’t think it’s appropriate for anyone to point out the length of time you have been trying (whether they are accurate or not), but then there are a lot of people who don’t seem to have a filter on what is or is not appropriate to say about the subject of baby making, pregnancy, or parenting.

I wonder how I will feel about it. Would I want all of the heartbreak and disappointment to be recognized when I finally have my day? I mean I am fighting hard for this and it feels like everyone else around me is popping out babies left and right with little effort. The truth is, when my child is 5, they will be like every other 5 year old. The only person that will remember the struggle is me (and my husband of course). I had never really thought about this until now, but I do completely understand why it’s really hard for women to know to feel about their pregnancies after going through all of this. I can understand why it would be hard to just be 100% purely happy. There are just so many emotions jumbled up in all of this, and they don’t just go away overnight I’m sure.

I know I am 2 years late in watching this movie, but if you haven’t seen it, you should. It was way different than what I was expecting and really gave me a lot to think about.

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