I am not even sure what to say. Clearly it hasn’t processed yet, but IUI #4 was unsuccessful. I started testing with the FRER on 11DPO-14 DPO. All stark white negatives. Still, I was surprised today when AF showed up (with a vengeance). My clinic doesn’t do beta until 17DPO, so I continued to take my progesterone every night, and this is the first time my period has ever come while I was still taking the progesterone. And she is heavy….like hourly trips to the bathroom to change supplies heavy….with killer cramps and a nasty headache on the side.
I pretty much just need this day to be over. I haven’t really told anyone except my husband and one friend. Unfortunately that friend decided to respond by saying “well you’re still young”….and I literally tried by best not to be a bitch when I told her very clearly that saying that was not helpful, it does not make me feel better, and she should keep comments like that to herself. I am sick of people telling me how “young” I am.
I already have a meeting with my RE set up for Oct 7th to go over IVF. I really do not see the point in going through with any further IUIs. It just feels like a waste of money. Really the earliest we would be able to do IVF (financially) is next spring or summer. We get our bonuses in March and we usually get a fairly good tax return because of all the alimony we pay. Honestly the total of those three things will really be the go/no-go for IVF next year at all.
I want to be able to just shake this off and move forward, but it feels like the next step forward are so far away.
Yesterday was my one year blogger anniversary. I am apparently a bad blogger because I thought it was today, until I went back and checked. I have posts dated into August of last year, but that was because I pre-dated posts that were actually written in September for easy of telling my story in what would have been a MONSTER post. Actually one year ago yesterday I was just recovering from laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and trying to cope with the news that they had found stage III endometriosis. Really trying to cope with the last two years of TTC, but now there was no more denial. They had found an actual legitimate issue with me. The first few days after surgery were spent in bed, mostly sleeping, but when I started to feel better physically I totally lost it mentally/emotionally.
First I spent a few days doing research (online of course). That research eventually led me to find blogs. What a wealth of real life information! And then I started writing. And writing. And writing. For hours I wrote out everything that had happed over the previous few months. Everything that I clearly had not been able to deal with properly. Then I wrote about everything that had just happened. It was the best therapy I could have hoped for in that moment. And so became my blog. My safe place.
The last year hasn’t been my favorite. I’ve been tested quite a bit and there are days I really struggle to keep perspective on my blessed life. The past year has been packed with sadness over the loss of a loved one, unthinkable stress over the near loss of my dad, heartbreak over the disappointment of three failed IUI cycles, frustration in adjusting to a new job, and financial stress from all of the unexpected things aforementioned. I know I have a lot of blessings in my life and I am so very thankful, but this year has been hard. I am ready to start anew and I am really hoping that 32 will be so much better than 31. Truthfully I am pretty freaked out to be turning 32 this week only because I can practically hear my biological clock just tick-tick-ticking away. And I absolutely hate it when people tell me I am still young. Yes I know that 32 is not 35, 37 or 40. I get it. But I started all of this at 29 and here I am…..same place and there are really no guarantees that I won’t still be here at 35.
I can feel things have started to turn for the better. I am really working on not stressing over that which I cannot control. I am totally focused on my TWW and keeping things happy and positive….and keeping myself occupied. Next Wednesday at 10dpo the mind game will really begin and I am sure I won’t be quite as level-headed as I am at the moment.
I am infinitely grateful for all of the support in this blogger community. Until recently I didn’t actually know anyone in my everyday life who had been through this, and they amazing women who are constantly lifting each other up are a God-send. The best part is seeing the babies that represent hope for everyone else. It is the happy ending to a story and I personally love to read about my fellow friend in the trenches who has made it out. It’s so good to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I may finally get off this long road onto a much better one.
Today is so far a much better day. Actually last night a friend of mine randomly called and asked if we could go for a walk. It was really a blessing because it was exactly what I needed and this particular friend who I have been really close with for a long time and I have drifted apart over the last year. I am not exactly sure why things sort of drifted with us. We have never had a fight or disagreement about anything. We used to see her and her family almost every week and then all of a sudden it just stopped. I think we have hung out with them as a family twice this year, and once was on accident when we ran into them. I honestly wish I knew what changed. I’ve felt a little hurt over it.
Then last night happened. It was not awkward and she was completely supportive. We had a really good talk. Unfortunately part of our talk was that she and her family are moving out of state at the end of the month. They have been talking about it for a while now so I wasn’t surprised. I am bummed that they are leaving but its best for their family. They have also been a part of a group that we have done a few adult trips with over the past few years so hopefully another will get on the calendar next year.
After our walk I literally did everything possible to procrastinate taking my first dose of Gonal-F. It did make me laugh a little that our fridge is nearly empty since we have been out of town, which just makes the presence of the Gonal F and Ovidrel seem so much more obvious. Like I can’t just bury it in the back because there is nothing to really hide behind!
All the procrastination was making me more and more tense so I finally just bit the bullet and did it. The actual injection was pretty easy, but I am really thankful for my decision to do it at night. Around 3 am I woke up with horrible cramps. I tried to go back to sleep but that wasn’t happening so I eventually got up and went to the bathroom. Good thing….bc I had horrible diarrhea (sorry TMI I know). Thankfully once it subsided I felt a lot better and could go back to sleep. So far no headache today which is great, but the breakout on my face is getting out of control. I also started taking the Estrace today, which if I recall correctly also had some not so great side effects last time.
I also wanted to mention a recent purchase I made which has so far been really awesome. A few weeks ago on Food Babe’s blog she wrote about an acupressure mat called the Spoonk. I read a bunch of reviews and decided I would try it. Basically I lay on it for about 40 minutes before bed. It took a little getting used to, and my husband thinks I am absolutely crazy, but it honestly really relaxes me. I actually have fallen asleep laying on it. Its totally weird because if you just put your finger on one of the spikes it really hurts so its crazy that laying on it feels so good. I sleep way better on nights I can lay on it before bedtime than when I don’t and I fall asleep way faster. In my whole effort to stay relaxed and get plenty of sleep, it has been a real life saver.