Yesterday was my one year blogger anniversary. I am apparently a bad blogger because I thought it was today, until I went back and checked. I have posts dated into August of last year, but that was because I pre-dated posts that were actually written in September for easy of telling my story in what would have been a MONSTER post. Actually one year ago yesterday I was just recovering from laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and trying to cope with the news that they had found stage III endometriosis. Really trying to cope with the last two years of TTC, but now there was no more denial. They had found an actual legitimate issue with me. The first few days after surgery were spent in bed, mostly sleeping, but when I started to feel better physically I totally lost it mentally/emotionally.
First I spent a few days doing research (online of course). That research eventually led me to find blogs. What a wealth of real life information! And then I started writing. And writing. And writing. For hours I wrote out everything that had happed over the previous few months. Everything that I clearly had not been able to deal with properly. Then I wrote about everything that had just happened. It was the best therapy I could have hoped for in that moment. And so became my blog. My safe place.
The last year hasn’t been my favorite. I’ve been tested quite a bit and there are days I really struggle to keep perspective on my blessed life. The past year has been packed with sadness over the loss of a loved one, unthinkable stress over the near loss of my dad, heartbreak over the disappointment of three failed IUI cycles, frustration in adjusting to a new job, and financial stress from all of the unexpected things aforementioned. I know I have a lot of blessings in my life and I am so very thankful, but this year has been hard. I am ready to start anew and I am really hoping that 32 will be so much better than 31. Truthfully I am pretty freaked out to be turning 32 this week only because I can practically hear my biological clock just tick-tick-ticking away. And I absolutely hate it when people tell me I am still young. Yes I know that 32 is not 35, 37 or 40. I get it. But I started all of this at 29 and here I am…..same place and there are really no guarantees that I won’t still be here at 35.
I can feel things have started to turn for the better. I am really working on not stressing over that which I cannot control. I am totally focused on my TWW and keeping things happy and positive….and keeping myself occupied. Next Wednesday at 10dpo the mind game will really begin and I am sure I won’t be quite as level-headed as I am at the moment.
I am infinitely grateful for all of the support in this blogger community. Until recently I didn’t actually know anyone in my everyday life who had been through this, and they amazing women who are constantly lifting each other up are a God-send. The best part is seeing the babies that represent hope for everyone else. It is the happy ending to a story and I personally love to read about my fellow friend in the trenches who has made it out. It’s so good to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I may finally get off this long road onto a much better one.