Well in the fear category there are the big fears and the little fears.
My little fears consist of things like snakes and rodents. I am also afraid of live chickens. I believe I wrote about this one in a previous post. In high school I was really afraid of getting in a car crash and had some anxiety when I wasn’t driving but I have gotten over that.
Big fears include things such as never being a mother, or having a loved one pass from a terminal illness.
I really don’t spend a lot of time thinking about fears. I think it is much more important to focus on life, and living it to the fullest, because we don’t know what is in store for us in the future. Fear can be crippling. If there is anything I have learned over the past few years (of infertility) it is that I can make choices, but I don’t get to decide how things work out.
Last year when my dad was in the ICU I knew it might be the end. As much as I didn’t want it to be, my dad was in a very serious condition and it was an uphill battle because his health was already so poor. For years I feared getting that call. The one I received from my Aunt on June 17th. I would cry at the thought, but for years it just felt like it could happen at any time. Every time I would visit and it was time to leave I would tear up wondering if this time would be the last time. And then, somehow, against the odds, he came out of ICU and was ok. I don’t know how or why after days of things not improving all of a sudden they did. I don’t know why people who are in far better health pass away much younger than he will. I do know that tomorrow I could get another call and things might not work out this time. It will be sad and heartbreaking when that happens, but I am not afraid of it anymore. God decides what happens, and all I can do right now is spend as much time talking to and visiting those I love as I can.