Day 25-Something I Always Think “What if…” About

I really don’t like this one, because I spend a lot of time fighting the urge NOT to think about “what if”. Thinking about What If brings on panic and fear and just generally isn’t healthy for me right now. Obviously the big one for me is “what If I never get to have a child”.

On more of a silly note it’s sort of funny to think about what would have happened if I had never left Kansas. It was a great place to grow up. Very safe. Lots of community. There are things I even miss. Things are just slower back in my hometown. I remember my freshman year of college, before I transferred to Maryland, I was still dating my high school boyfriend. One night he basically told me his “5 year plan” for us. He told me when he was going to propose, when we would get married and when we would have kids. I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. At 19 I was not ready to even think about those things yet (incidentally he did marry the girl he dated after me and they have like 5 kids now). What if that was my life? I love that I am from a small town but I cannot see myself living there now.

Things worked out for me the way there were supposed to I think. I mean I am still a little shocked that I live in California, even after having been here since 2008. I never could have imagined this is where I would settle at this point in my life, but here I am. Things are not perfect but I am really happy I did not try to plan out my life and instead just let things happen.

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