He’s Got This

Today I was cleared to start my IVF meds.  It doesn’t even feel like it is real.  The last month of BCP (take 2) went incredibly fast. Even the last few days of waiting for AF didn’t feel like waiting.  I had so much going on that this morning I finally noticed that AF hadn’t arrived yet…..and then about 30 minutes later there she was.

I went to work as normal and called my nurse at 8:30.  She was called me back around 10:15 and I went into the office for a baseline at 11:45.  Last month I had all sorts of butterflies and anxiety but today I have been completely calm.   When Dr. S. confirmed I had no cysts I felt happy, but I sort of expected to feel instant anxiety about starting the meds but I really felt calm.  Talking with my nurse to go over my appointments afterwards I even mentioned to her how at peace I felt and that it was really surprising.

I felt so upset last month when things didn’t work out but I can honestly say it was for the best.  In the past 21 days I have had a lot of fun, and I have been able to completely relax.  I know I am just starting the hard part and there is no telling how I will feel in a few days but right now I am just happy to say that I am good and I feel ready.  I have totally relinquished control to God.  He’s got this.

For those that are interested in the technical stuff….tomorrow I will start my microdose Lupron (2x per day).  Thursday, in addition to the Lupron, I will be taking Gonal-F (AM) and Menopur (PM).  I will go in for my first labs to test my estrogen on Tuesday March 8th, and my first monitoring ultrasound on March 10th!

****Here are a few pics from my Friday at Lake Tahoe.  It was one of those perfectly still mornings and the lake was like glass.  We just sat and took it all in for a few hours.   I am so grateful to have had that moment to reflect and relax.

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Filling Up the Space

I didn’t really mean to drop off the face of the blogging world since my last update, but this girl has been busy. The day I found out my cycle had been postponed due to my cyst/progesterone level I was pretty bummed. I was doing everything I could to keep a positive attitude but it was just so disappointing. That night my husband and stepson came home with some awesome flowers for me and we had a nice family night together. The next morning I woke up feeling better, but also with the urge to plan some fun things in the next three weeks while I was back on BCP.

First we decided to have a little getaway for president’s weekend. We both had Monday off, and my stepson was supposed to be in Seattle with his mom. We decided to meet in Orange County on Friday evening (my husband was traveling the last half of the week). It all worked out perfectly as our flights were both on-time and landed just minutes apart. There was no line at the rental car counter which felt like a miracle on a Friday evening of a holiday weekend. We were on our way to my brother’s house in no time and didn’t even hit any traffic. I began to question if we were actually in Southern California. We grabbed a late dinner with my brother and his girlfriend and then were so exhausted we were asleep as soon as our eyes hit the pillow.

On Saturday morning I had the AWESOME opportunity to meet the wonderful girl I was paired with in Amateur Nester’s card exchange this fall. After the card exchange we began exchanging emails and texts. It was so awesome to meet her face-to-face and we literally chit-chatted about everything for two hours without missing a beat. It was like seeing an old friend. We had so much in common. I am just so disappointed that I we didn’t take a photo!

After my visit with her we spent the rest of the day with my husband’s sister and her family. I have two nieces that are 6 and 2. They are a lot of fun and the two year old is a total spitfire. That evening we were able to go out to a nice dinner with just my SIL and her husband.

Sunday we spent the day with my brother and his girlfriend (who is a close friend of mine). After breakfast the boys headed to a brewery they wanted to check out and we headed to the beach. It was super foggy but we still had a great time and hiked about 5 miles. At the end of our hike we grabbed a burger and shakes from Shake Shack (SO GOOD!) and then headed back to have a nap before spending the evening hanging out with the boys.

Monday unfortunately my brother had to work, but his GF, my husband and I headed back to a different beach for a walk. We decided on Thousand Steps Beach in Laguna Beach. There is just under 500 steps down to the beach. The way down is challenging because it’s pretty steep, but the way back up was killer! But also good exercise. We ended up running into a good friend of ours which was such a fun surprise! There was no fog that day at all, in fact is was over 80 degrees! There is something about the ocean that just makes me feel calm and happy.

Overall it was a super fun weekend and exactly what I needed. I have exactly 7 days of BCP left (last pill is next Thursday). The same day as my last pill my brother’s GF will be coming up here to visit! We have a whirlwind weekend planned including a day in Tahoe and a day in San Francisco. She will be moving out of CA soon and she wanted to try to see a few things before she goes and I am happy to be part of the experience! It should also make those last days waiting for AF to arrive go quickly which is a big plus.

I know that when I finally start my IVF meds it’s going to be a rollercoaster so right now I’m just trying to enjoy life and not think about it too much.

One Day at a Time

That is the new mantra over here. Just one day at a time. Because looking ahead or trying to plan things ahead during IVF is a joke.

I went in this morning to have my cyst aspirated and to get another blood draw to test my progesterone.

The cyst aspiration went better than expected. I expected it to be horrible. It was extremely uncomfortable and at one point, when they put in the needle, it hurt. The whole thing lasted maybe 15 minutes. It was really surprising how much fluid they drained. After they did a blood draw and I met with my nurse again to go over my tentative appointment schedule in case I was cleared.

Unfortunately right after the procedure they gave me an antibiotic, which was obviously necessary, but made me really sick. My stomach was empty by the time I took it and I started to feel horrible on my way home. Thankfully I ate something and after about an hour and a half I felt better.

After a few work meetings in the afternoon I decided to go to the pharmacy and pick up my prenatal and to pick up my refill of BCP just in case. While I was waiting for them to fill the prescription my nurse called and informed me that my progesterone was at 2.4, and in order to go forward with this cycle it needed to be 2 or lower. She instructed me to start BCP immediately and she would let me know how many days to take it (but probably around 21).

So this cycle is over right as is started. And now it’s back to waiting and hoping and praying that my next cycle works out. At the pharmacy I felt like crying, but now I just feel numb. I know its not the worst thing ever to wait another month, but it’s so discouraging to have things go south literally on day one.

Thank you everyone for the support and nice comments. Much appreciated!

Game Paused? (Updated)

Infertility is a rollercoaster. There are loops ahead that you just don’t see coming. Road blocks in your path that could derail you at any moment.

Honestly I expected my baseline appointment yesterday to just be a formality. One hundred percent of me believed there would not be an issue. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT WRONG. I have a cyst. The doc called it a functional cyst, and thanks to Dr. Google I now understand that a functional cyst is caused by a follicle that doesn’t property release an egg and seals itself off causing a cyst. I had an ultrasound in December and at that time, no cyst. I have now had two cycles, one on BCP and one not, and now I have a cyst.

So what does this mean? That depends. They immediately took my P4 (progesterone) and E2 (estrogen) levels via blood test. Since it was 5pm the results will be back sometime this morning.

If my E2 is high and my P4 is low, I go pick up another pack of BCP and take them for 21 more days and hope the cyst goes away.

If my P4 is high and my E2 is low, the doc thinks that what I am experiencing right now isn’t actually my period and I have to wait for a “true” period for my body to naturally shed the cyst. I promise you this is my period. This result is the most unlikely.

If both are high, I go on BCP.

And then there is the desired result….both are low. IF both come back low I can go in this afternoon and have the cyst aspirated (drained) and move forward with Lupron tonight. From what the nurse described to me, having a cyst aspirated is similar to what they do for a retrieval. They go in with a needle via ultrasound and drain the cyst (which is on my ovary) by going through the wall of my uterus. The largest difference procedurally between the two is the time it will take, and the fact that I will be doing it the “natural” route…..nothing for the pain. And there will be pain.

There is one other little complication in all of this….my nurse is off today and tomorrow is the only day this week that I absolutely cannot miss work at all for the entire day because my boss is flying into town first thing in the morning and we are touring properties together. That means if my levels come back low I have to have the cyst aspirated this afternoon. And I’m relying on another nurse to help make that happen. It’s sort of amazing to me that they already scheduled out my next three monitoring appointments for next week, but they would not just pencil in an appointment for me today just in case I need to come in. Right now I’m just hoping and praying that the levels come back low and that by the time we have the results there are still appointments available.

This is the kind of anxiety that the fertiles do not understand. Sure I get the big picture. I understand that this may just be a month delay and it’s not the end of the world. Believe me, I get that. But seriously I have been mentally preparing myself for this cycle for a while now. It felt like forever just to get here and now we have only just started and there is already a complication. And even if it works out I still have to go in for a painful procedure, and try to juggle my life and career around all of this.

Deep breaths. Lots of prayers. This may be a long morning.

Update:

The results are in and as it goes with infertility the least likely situation is the way its turned out.  My E2 levels were good and low.  My p4, however, was higher than they wanted.  They like to see anything under 2 and mine was 2.88.

The plan is to retest on Friday and aspirate the cyst as well.  If the P4 level is good I will be able to start Lupron on Friday and Stims on Sunday.  Lots of prayers please!!!

 

Game On- CD1

Game on baby.  Let’s do this.

Today is CD 1 of my very long awaited IVF cycle. The 21 days of birth control went really quickly. The 3 since stopping the pill and waiting for AF to arrive….eternity. She actually made her entrance last night while I was making dinner. I might have squealed like a little girl and immediately Snapchatted the news to two of my besties (Don’t worry…it was just a selfie making a funny face). Obviously at exactly 8:30 when my clinic switches on their business hours phone system I dialed my nurse to share the news with her as well. Unfortunately she wasn’t standing by the phone awaiting my call so I had to leave a message and I headed to acupuncture.

Usually acupuncture really chills me out. Last week I actually feel asleep. This week I just laid there wondering if I was missing the call from my nurse. I mean I did relax some, but not to the usual level of Zen magic I get from my sessions. Of course the nurse did call ten minutes into my appointment but honestly that’s a good thing because I would have been disappointed if I didn’t have a message from her. When I called back, it turns out this time she was waiting for my call. She actually answered and then put me on hold to finish a phone call. I am scheduled to come in this afternoon at 4 for my baseline.

On a separate note, my medication arrived last Friday. Opening that HUGE box of meds was actually really overwhelming and gave me some anxiety. I mean how is it possible that all of it goes into my body in such a short period of time? For the time being the entire top shelf of my fridge is reserved for fertility meds. Honestly it does keep me from wanting to open the refrigerator very often to have them just staring at me.

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I am also feeling super blessed to have some really wonderful people in my life who have been checking up on me, sending me cards, an adult “swearword” coloring book, and this beautiful necklace from Desirae. My heart is so full knowing these people are thinking of me.

 

While it’s so exciting to be moving forward it’s also overwhelming and stressful. I am so thankful for your prayers and positive thoughts! XOXO