Back in the Swing of the RE

I have been writing a post about my weekend, at my grandpa’s celebration of life, but it’s not quite where I want it. Sometimes it’s just really hard to express in writing, or words of any kind, the way you feel about something like that. Hopefully I get it to a place to actually publish this week….

In the meantime I am actually going to make a fertility related post (shocking I know). Last week I called my clinic. Actually I tried to log in to my online portal which has a copy of the mixed cycle treatment plan they did for me in February. I’m sure I have it printed out somewhere, but I it just seemed easier to look online…..and they had suspended my login info! I did what the website said to do, which was email the administrator…..and a week later no response. That is really annoying but as I was thinking about the possibility of starting this treatment plan next month, I decided to better call the clinic and make sure there is nothing I need to do before my cycle starts.

Good call on my part because as it turns out I need to go in for an appointment with a nurse coordinator and the financial coordinator beforehand. Of course the nurse coordinator was on vacation last week so she just called me back today. We set an appointment for this Thursday. Of course she only had really inconvenient times available which is basically going to mean I will have to take the entire afternoon off of work (bc the clinic is now so far from my office).

This only further stresses me out because if I get stuck with weird appointment times for all of the million ultrasounds I will need, I am going to stress out. I really want to give my boss as little information about all of this as possible, and considering he wasn’t exactly wonderful when I had to take time off work when my dad was in ICU, I don’t really see him being cool with me missing out on partial days of work, multiple days in a row. I literally have no idea how I am going to manage this without my stress level going through the roof.

On the bright side the nurse said I could come in on CD 1, 2 or 3 for my baseline ultrasound. This is means I might actually be able to get the IUI in September unless AF shows up on August 29th or 30th. There is still a chance she might show on those two days, but it does help a little. I will just have to wait and see on that one.

If it’s this month or next the biggest challenge will be balancing work and appointments without getting myself overly stressed. Those who have done a mixed cycle IUI….how many ultrasounds did you have before doing the IUI???

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Pills and Potions

The amount of pills, shots, suppositories, ect involved in TTC for those unlucky bunch of us is seriously out of control. Even right now on my “RE break” I still have a list of supplements I down daily plus my Synthroid. I am a sucky pill taker, especially when everything has to be spaced out throughout the day. How am I supposed to remember!?!? Setting reminders on my phone does not work. It just annoys me. On days I am at my desk all day at work (hardly ever) it’s easy. They are all right in front of me at my desk. When I am essentially working out of my car for the day….whole different story. It’s a daily struggle.

In the past few weeks I have attempted to incorporate another ritual into my routine. Last night my husband actually made the comment “You have so many potions now. What is going on with you?” I laughed it off and he is really exaggerating but I have been testing out a few essential oils.

Actually my interest started when my friend gave me a sample pack of a rapid muscle recovery soak. Since incorporating what I would consider to be hardcore workouts into my weekly routine, I am sore pretty much ALWAYS. The soak can be dissolved into a warm or cold bath, or dissolved into a cup of water and frozen to be massaged on sore muscles. The soak was not the miracle worker it claimed to be, but it did take the edge off so I ordered more online.

SIDEBAR-I was highly unimpressed with the customer service at this company. When I made my online order they did not give me a confirmation number. The internet page just said I would be getting an email when my product shipped. After a week of not getting the email I wrote into them to ask (they did not give a phone number), and my inquiry was never answered. A few days later my order showed up in the mail…..thankfully.

Anyway—one day while soaking in the tub after a brutal workout I looked at the ingredients on the label. Pretty simple. Epsom Salt, Eucalyptus essential oil, peppermint essential oil, blue#1. That’s it. At first I was super mad I paid so much for something I can EASILY make myself for much less $, and sans artificial dye. With that I started to research essential oils for sore muscles.

And from there it was just a quick hop and jump to essential oil for FERTILITY. I am now the proud owner of four bottles of essential oil. Peppermint, Eucalyptus, Clary Sage, and lemon. Clary Sage is known to have several positive effects on fertility but it does not smell great. It does pair well with citrus oils, such as lemon, therefore my potion #1 is clary sage, lemon, and sweet almond oil (a carrier oil). I rub it on my wrists and feet right before bed. I also have a blend of the almond oil, peppermint and eucalyptus that I rub directly on sore muscles. It tingles like Icy Hot only it’s much more natural. It does help the pain for sure.

Last night I was also reading about soaks in Epsom salt, baking soda, and apple cider vinegar for muscle recovery and whole body detox. I haven’t tried these yet but they are very interesting and I plan to try over the next month. Almost all the information I have read says do them at night because they will make you sleepy.

I am super excited to experiment with these things over the next month!

As far as an update on my nutritional goals. Well, all was going REALLY well until Friday night. I managed to get through the entire workweek with no alcohol, no coffee, no gluten, no dairy, no artificial sugar. And then Friday my husband and I actually had a date night, at a pretty nice restaurant. And it all fell apart….cocktails, a beer, shaved ice, queso dip, calamari, mashed potatoes, movie theater popcorn with butter, soda……THE HORROR. Even today I had a latte and a pastry at Starbucks and I am not enjoying a salad with bottled dressing. I have lost control!!! I seriously need to get my shit together. I need a sponsor or something to keep me on the straight and narrow.

Ok so in reality I had two meals and a breakfast that were way off base and a few unapproved snacks. Otherwise I actually stuck to my plan. I know I could have made some better choices and maybe just gone big on one meal and one snack rather than a few, but I have been very disciplined over the past month so I am not going to give myself to much grief. I do need to get my butt back on track now and live totally clean until I leave for Colorado on the 15th, which is doable.

On the fertility front I am on CD5. My last cycle was 31 days, and AF was a real B when she showed up on Thursday. Let’s just say a trip to Target for new pants was involved in the middle of the work day. Basically for my IUI to workout in September this cycle needs to be no more than 28 days. Even if she does show up on day 29 it might be a challenge because I need to get in for an ultrasound and be able to pick up my meds before 12 pm on August 30th because I am getting on a plane at 2pm. Otherwise I have to hope for 33+ days or I will miss my opportunity. I am really trying to just roll with it, however I know it will be super hard to wait another month.

Infertility Bullies

I have been writing this post in my head since yesterday. After I read Waiting for Baby Bird’s post a lot of thoughts and emotions came up. The more I thought it through the more passionate I felt about it, from several angles. I suggest you read her post, but the gist is that she received a negative/hurtful comment on her blog. The comment was more than just a difference of opinion, it was an attack of her character. It was meant to bring her down. As you read through the post is clear that it got under her skin. How could it not? It was personal. Thankfully because she is the amazing person that she is, she rose far above it. She took the highest road possible and I could not feel more proud of her. She stood up for herself with class and dignity.
I could say a lot of amazing things about Elisha at Waiting for Baby Bird. She is a person that I truly wish I knew in real life. Her blog comments (to me) are always supportive and uplifting. Her posts offer perspective and hope. Her faith is simply inspirational. I do have a confession to make. When I first came across her blog I was reluctant to follow/read. Honestly I was intimidated. I felt so lost in my own journey that I almost didn’t feel worthy to interact with someone so brave and strong. I pray for the strength and faith she has every day. What if she judged me for my choices because they were different than her own (related to infertility). But then as I read more of her blog, and saw her comments on other’s blogs it became very clear that she does not judge anyone for their path. She is nothing but supportive and kind.
Here is the thing about the internet. It is totally your choice to say something or quietly agree to disagree and click that little X at the upper right hand corner. I have never understood why someone would voluntarily be cruel. I wonder how Elisha’s commenter felt after making the post to her blog. Did it make her feel better about herself? What did she expect Elisha to do? What was she trying to accomplish other than just being mean? There is absolutely nothing that would require her to read Elisha’s blog. She has a choice to just pretend it doesn’t exist so why go to the trouble to write something so hurtful? I can say with some confidence that she did not expect Elisha to respond the way that she did.
Aside from my instinct to stick up for my blog friend, her post also got me thinking about infertility bullies. Infertility can me a seriously touchy/uncomfortable subject and everyone seems to have an opinion on what someone battling it should or should not be doing. Think how often a friend or family member offers up advice that is insensitive/hurtful we are left speechless because “they are just trying to help”. How am I supposed to feel grateful when someone is actually being so hurtful? It is amazing that people feel entitled to give you medical advice on fertility. If I had a heart condition or cancer I doubt friends/family/strangers would be so inclined to tell me how to treat it. It might not always be intentional but all of this advice can definitely leave you questioning yourself or even feeling badly.
Beyond just the unsolicited advice we also get the comments such as “well maybe it’s just not meant to be” or “at some point it just seems unnatural” when explaining the complicated science behind fertility treatments. First, people don’t get to decide what is nor is not meant to be. How exactly would one expect the response to that to go? Something like “You know what you’re right. I think I will just give up. It’s pretty hopeless”. No one wins with a negative attitude. Regardless of the odds it is pretty hard to believe that anyone would suggest that a person just give up in any situation because it seems hopeless. It’s ridiculous and really out of line.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/natural

The link above is the Merriam-Webster definition of natural. Based on this “official” definition I believe you would be hard pressed to find anything in medical science that is natural. So why is it “unnatural” to conceive a child through fertility treatments, but when my dad was on a ventilator and who knows how many man-made drugs to save his life, no one told me it was unnatural and therefore wrong. Infertility is an actual medical issue and if I choose to seek treatment from a doctor to overcome it, well that is my choice and having someone bully me into thinking what I am doing is wrong is ridiculous. No one is going to tell my dad that he shouldn’t have saved his life because western medicine is unnatural, or on a lesser scale, that you shouldn’t fix a broken bone or take antibiotics for an infection. At the end of the say babies born out of IVF or any other fertility treatment are not made of plastic. They are skin, bones, hair, lungs and heart just like those made the old fashioned way.
On the flip side, if choose not to seek medical intervention for infertility that is your choice too. Having enough faith to believe that God will bring you a baby against the odds is amazing. Just because you go through an RE and do IUIs or IVF you are not guaranteed a baby. Fertility treatments are hard. There is a physical, emotional and financial toll. There is no easy answer. It is a personal choice and no one has a right to judge it one way or the other.
All of these comments that I get, whether they are to our face or on a blog, back me into a corner. They make me question my choices and why I have made them. They bring me down and make me feel alone. It definitely makes me feel judged. It feels pretty unfair. And no matter what decisions I make someone will always have something to say about it one way or the other. At the end of the day I have a choice. I can be angry and ashamed, or I can hold my head up high and stand up for myself with dignity. It is people like Elisha that help me take the later approach. I am better for having read her blog and I can only admire how brave she is for just putting herself out there.  Thank you, Elisha, for being awesome.

IUI #3 and ICLW

Hello ICLW bloggers and welcome!

I was extremely grateful for MLK day yesterday, because I was in no mental or emotional place to be working. After my chat with the RE on Sunday at my ultrasound I really struggled to keep it together. Sunday we had some people over to watch the 49er game (my husband is a HUGE fan), which I was really not in the mood for, but I guess it kept my mind off of things. Monday, however, was a day with no plans other than going into the RE’s office for my IUI. I completely understand why they don’t discuss the “what if”, because I was a mess. I do not want to be negative about this cycle but I am pretty much scared to death. After the IUI yesterday I came home and slept, for like three hours. It was the best sleep I have gotten in quite a while, but unfortunately I had a hard time sleeping last night!

Since as of my IUI yesterday I had not yet ovulated, I did a second one today. The doctor (Dr A), came in and talked to my husband and me together this time about the next step. During my ten minutes of table time post IUI my husband and I discussed the options and basically decided we would do another IUI with injectables in a few months after I adjust to my new job. Overall I have felt better today about everything. I told L this morning that I feel like I just started and it doesn’t seem possible that I could already be here, making decisions on IVF and injectables. My first IUI was like 5 minutes ago.

I spent most of the day trying to wrap my head around all of this and trying to find faith in this cycle, and not looking past it like it doesn’t exist. I am really hoping that we can go away on the weekend of the 8th to the Ocean. I am not sure if it will be Bodega Bay or the Santa Cruz area, but I just feel like I need some Ocean air.

 

Ultrasound Day (IUI #3)

Today is ultrasound day (CD11).  I was very surprised that my OPK kit was positive because the last two cycles it wasn’t positive until CD12.  It was the darkest positive line I have gotten ever.  I went to the clinic and saw Dr A.  This is the first time I have met her.

The ultrasound went well.  She said my lining was good, but I will have to check my patient website to see exactly what it was because she did not tell me.  I had several follicles on both sides, but only one that was mature enough to ovulate.  I was really hoping for two, especially with the increase in Letrozole this cycle.  Either way I have one that is ready to go, so they gave me my Ovidrel shot and tomorrow is IUI day.

After the ultrasound I asked Dr. A what happens if this one, IUI number three, doesn’t work.  In hindsight I really wish I had had this conversation with Dr. M.  Not that the answer would have been different, but I just have a familiarity with him that fosters trust.  However, with what was the shit show of cycle day one and my clinic being totally unorganized with my treatment plan, I sort of felt like I had to ask today.  Also I have no idea which doctor I will see tomorrow, or when I will get a chance to see Dr. M again.  Basically she said after three failed IUI’s they do a regroup, which makes total sense.  If it comes to this, I am going to insist on having this regroup with Dr. M.  Anyway, she said that based on my endometriosis, and that we also have male factor issues or best chance is IVF with ICSI.  I was a little surprised that she would bring up the male factor because my husband’s numbers have all been in the range of normal since he started taking the fertility vitamins.  I wasn’t going to go into that with her, but something I will bring up with Dr. M.  She said that there is a possibility that if the sperm is actually getting to my egg, they haven’t been able to penetrate the shell.  She said I have responded well to the letrozole and we could try another IUI with a low dose of injectables but they usually don’t do more than 4 IUI’s before moving on to IVF.  I always thought it was six.    When I left she gave me a sheet on injectables.  I also asked how the injectable cycle would differ with appointments and what not, and basically she said that there may be 2-3 ultrasounds (and no OPK), rather than just one.

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all the information.  Our first IUI seems like it was only 5 minutes ago, so it doesn’t seem real that we could be here already.  I really don’t want to think about the “what if it doesn’t work”  I want to be positive.  We are in no way able to afford IVF right now so I have no idea what we will do.  For now I am trying to stay calm and relaxed.  Through all of this my husband has never said anything but positive “this is going to work” type things.  Last night in bed he said “I have no idea what we are going to do if this doesn’t work”.  Unfortunately I had a headache and really wasn’t up for talking in length about it.  He mentioned that “we already have a kid”.  Yes, we do.  Except I am not his mother.  I didn’t get to hold him as a baby.  I don’t get to go to the first day of school with him. He doesn’t call me mommy.   I am absolutely his parent, but not his mother.  My husband will never understand the difference, because he is his father.  I believe in the depths of my soul that I am supposed to be a mother.

Tonight I am going to pray.  Take a deep breath, and just pray.

Pill Poppin

I am admittedly not a great “pill taker”.  By that I don’t mean that I have trouble swallowing them but I have trouble remembering to take them at the same time of the day every day.  You would think that I would be awesome at it, because I have had to take a pill for my thyroid my entire life, but truthfully I have always struggled with it. 

I have tried several things that have been somewhat successful, like keeping my thyroid pill bottle in my car, so as soon as I get in the car to go to work I see it and take my pill.  That works great, until the weekend when I don’t necessarily get in the car in the morning.  I have also tried keeping it in the bathroom, but will all the other stuff cluttering my counter; the bottle would get buried or stuffed in a drawer….and out of sight out of mind unfortunately.  For the past few years I have been pretty good about taking it at the same time consistently which has been a major win for me. 

Well…..now with all the added supplements and extra medicine that I have to take on certain days, at certain times….I am screwed.  Especially since a lot of what I am taking shouldn’t be mixed with other things.  Oh, and in addition to all the extra pills (especially on cycle day 3-12), my primary doctor just changed my thyroid dosage.   I have to take one dosage Monday-Friday and a different one on the weekends.  This makes things even more difficult to keep track!   For the record I have been awesome about taking all of my prescribed pills every day as required.  Not one miss.  What does seem to get missed is my supplements, because they have to be taken at odd times so they aren’t mixed with the actual medication.   So I finally broke down and got 4x a day pill box.  I feel like an old lady using this thing, but it has already helped so much.  You can actually pop out the boxes and take them with you, which is pretty awesome, and they are super deep so they can actually fit my big calcium chews.  It is also awesome when I travel that I won’t have a huge bag of pill bottles.  I can just take the boxes I need which will take up a lot less space!

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In other news…..

The end of last week really sucked.  After my not-so-wonderful experience with my clinic on Thursday my drive home (which is about 130 miles), took four and a half hours.  There was one complete hour that I only moved 9 miles.  By the end of the drive, even though I was finally able to go 70 mph, I was in tears.  Sobbing.  And completely freaking out about the “what if this doesn’t work and I never get pregnant”  I have never let myself get there.  To that place where I really let myself thing/believe that it is impossible for me to have a child.  Yes I completely realize that two years and two IUI’s is nothing in the scope of infertility.  Unfortunately it was the perfect storm on Thursday and after hours in traffic I was mentally and physically exhausted.  A perfect time for my emotions to take over.  When I finally got home I was a zombie.  I felt horrible because obviously I hadn’t seen my husband since Monday, and he was leaving the next day for the weekend.  But I just couldn’t.  I took a bath, and we watched a few of our taped shows but I just couldn’t talk.  At all.  And after all of that I started Friday with a migraine.  Thankfully I was able to kick it fully by noon, but I was not myself all Friday. 

I started my Letrozole on Friday night.  My RE actually upped the dosage from 5 to 7.5.  No explanation was offered to me to explain why he decided to do that, which is annoying.  I spent all of Saturday with my Step son and babysitting my friend’s little girl who is two.  Sunday was a day for me.  My husband was gone in SoCal, and I spent the day reorganizing my closet.  It was amazing.  I still have a few things left to organize, but it’s a million times better than before.  It had really gotten out of control.  It just makes me feel better to see it in order.  Being able to walk in and actually see everything is amazing.  Today I am wearing a shirt I forgot I even had!  It was a great way to start the week, and today I am much more relaxed.   Of course since I spent pretty much all day doing the reorg, I did not go grocery shopping, so that is on the list for after work today. 

CD1 and Pissed! Updated

Ok, to be clear I am not pissed that it is cycle day one. I am happy about that actually. I could totally tell it was going to happen today when I was getting ready this morning so I actually prepared. My lady parts are wreaking some serious havoc and I sort of feel like crawling under the table in the fetal position, but such is my life with endometriosis. I will power through (I hope).

So why am I so pissed? Well….I called my clinic to let them know that it was CD1 and I need my meds like any good fertility drug addict would do and when they called me back this is kind of how it went…

Nurse: Hi, I got your message that it is cycle day one for you, but we don’t have a treatment plan for your right now.
Me: UM WHAT!?!?! How is that possible!?!?!

I will pause for a moment to reflect on this first bit of news. First, I talked to a nurse on Tuesday, two days ago, when she called me to let me know that my second IUI was not successful and before I hung up the phone I specifically asked her if my next step was to call back on CD1 for my next go. Her answer was YES. After my first failed IUI, the clinic wouldn’t even call me with the beta results until my doctor had reviewed my results and written up a new treatment plan. Apparently that was the “protocol”, and it appears in the last 30 days said protocol has changed. When the nurse called with my IUI #2 results she was certainly not offering up what I was to do next, I had to pull it out of her. So I ask you, what if I hadn’t asked the nurse on Tuesday what to do, and had not called today on CD1. Would they have just forgotten about me/gave up on me after two IUI’s because no doctor ever gave me a new treatment plan? Clearly all of this is Cycle Day sensitive, and my period has shown up the second morning after stopping progesterone so there really isn’t a lot of time to just dilly-dally around waiting for a doctor at the clinic to realize that I am in fact, not pregnant and suggest what to do next.

Ok…back to the conversation between me and the nurse today….

Nurse: Well, Dr M and Dr A are here, but Doctor SA is YOUR doctor and I am not sure if he is available to give you a new treatment plan but I will see what I can do…(and keeps talking and talking and talking….)
Me: Ok stop for one second please. Why is Dr. SA now my doctor when Dr M has been my doctor for the past six months? I have only met Dr SA twice, because he happened to be the procedure doctor on the day of my IUI. We have never even had a conversation!
Nurse: Well its our protocol that the doctor that treats you does your next treatment plan.
Me: Well I would really feel more comfortable if Dr M would do it because I have actually met with him multiple times and like I said, I have never even had a real conversation with Dr. SA.
Nurse: Ok well I will ask Dr M if he will do it since he is here. We will call you when your treatment plan is done.
Me: Thanks.

I totally understand that RE clinics have to be open 365 days a year due to the time sensitive nature of all of this. And I know that the Doctors do other things besides just see patience in the office, like surgery. I accept the fact that I will not always get to see my doctor every time I go in for an ultrasound or IUI and I am ok with that. I am not ok with having someone who I have never talked to make a treatment plan for me. Maybe I am overreacting, but there is a huge difference between someone performing a procedure on you that they have done a million times (like an ultrasound), and someone who actually is going to give a recommendation on the next step. What if they come back with something different than what I have been doing the last two months? Will the doctor explain to me why he is making a change, and how it will affect me differently? They don’t ever say “well if this doesn’t work then we will move on to this….”

This whole process is upsetting, personal, and really emotional. I feel like the only pseudo security is feeling like the doctors you are entrusting with your body (and money), know what they are doing, and know YOU and your personal issues/situation. I don’t even like to go to my primary care doctor and find out I have to see someone different, and this is just on a whole other level. I went from feeling happy to get this cycle moving to sort of feeling insecure and betrayed in all of 30 minutes. I feel like the clinic should give you a little 10 minute tutorial on what to actually expect so at least I won’t be surprised about the way they do things.

😦

UPDATE:

The nurse did call me back and let me know that my Dr, Dr M, gave me a new treatment plan. By new, she actually means exactly the same as the past two. This is update worthy because she also told me that I needed to take a home pregnancy test before she would call it in. So basically, on Tuesday they called me to tell me my beta was less than one, but today, Thursday, I need to take a home pregnancy test to relive the disappointment? Its been 20 days since my IUI, and I am full flow right red crimson tide…..and have had a confirmed negative blood test….but you want me to pee on a freaking stick? You have got to be kidding me. When I questioned her on why this was necessary she seemed surprised (btw it was necessary before my first IUI cycle, which was understandable, but not before my second….because you know, I had just had a negative blood test!). She left me on hold for like 5 minutes and then came back to tell me that the blood test would suffice as my negative pregnancy test. Well I really hope so because if you can’t trust a blood test to tell you that you aren’t pregnant, what can you trust really?
So everything is back on track, and I have my plan for the cycle which is good. I am just not sure why it had to be so difficult to get there…..

IUI #2 Results

Yesterday afternoon was my beta and the clinic called today. Verdict: Negative.

The clinic actually called me around noon time (rather than the end of the day). I was sitting at my desk with L having lunch literally in the middle of telling a story. When I got off the phone, I pretty much said, “well its negative” and just kept telling my story. I don’t know that I was really ready to feel it yet. That is what I expected to hear, so I wasn’t surprised, but I did still have hope that just maybe it would be positive. As the day has gone on I have started to feel the weight of the news more and more. I want to stuff my face with bad thinks like Tapatio Doritos and ice cream (not together), but so far I settled for a See’s candy and some raw veggies.

I am hopeful my period arrives by the end of the week. I have had all sorts of fun PMS symptoms the past few days, so hopefully AF shows up ASAP. I already got my calendar out to plan my next cycle. Its the last IUI attempt I can do for a few months. I am starting my new job mid Feb (assuming all goes as planned), and I will have no idea what my schedule will be, or how easily I can slip out for Dr’s appointments randomly 3 days in a row. I am hopeful I will be able to work it out to try again a few months after starting the job. It keep focusing on the fact that if my next (3rd) IUI doesn’t work out, and we take a break for a few months, I have no shot of having a due date in 2014. I will just be happy to be pregnant at some point, regardless of the month or year my baby is actually born, but this year just started, so it’s a little disappointing to think about going all of 2014 with no baby in my arms.

I am in the bay area for the next few days for work, but thankfully L is here so tonight we can have sushi and I can possibly drown my sorrows in a glass of wine. I am going to try my best to not drown them in retail therapy, but that could be tough with all the amazing shopping literally steps away from my hotel.

My husband is going to visit some friends in SoCal for the weekend, so I think I might get a facial on Sunday. I feel like I need to do something good for myself and I have been wanting one for a while.

In other news, I have decided my first project of 2014 will be to reorganize all the closets in my house. I actually got a good start in the front/coat closet. I think I did a pretty awesome job of organizing all of our Christmas stuff, as I put it away, so everything is stacked neatly and labeled. I think I am going to tackle our closet next, which will be by far the biggest job. Project #2 will be to organize all drawers and cabinets. The act of organizing is something I do to cope. I can literally do it in silence for hours, but it helps me clear my head. At least it’s productive (and not destructive)!

OK AF…..show up already!

 

 

Pedicures are Cheap Therapy

This morning I treated myself to a pedicure and gel manicure.  I have a little place that I recently discovered about 5 minutes from my house.  They are very affordable, they do a good job, and they are always really friendly (and never try to upsell you).  I made an appointment for right when they opened so about 20 minutes after rolling out of bed I headed over.  Thankfully its right next to a Starbucks.  First, I have to say, it was the best pedicure massage I have gotten, ever.  She took a full hour and fifteen minutes to do my pedicure.  It was amazing.  The owner had also gotten some new gel colors, a few of which apparently change shades with your “mood” (actually temperature I am sure), so I tried one of those.  The normal shade is kind of a purple/blue color which is actually really pretty!  On a side note, before I get to my actual subject, the owner told me a hilarious story about how she likes to get drunk on wine at the end of the day and go shopping at Ross which is across the parking lot.  It’s mostly hilarious to me because her English isn’t great, so I don’t think she meant that she actually gets wasted or anything but it just struck me as funny that she would be telling me this.

Anyway….usually when I get my nails done I go with someone else and we chat during the process.  Today I went alone and it was good because I had a lot of time to just think.  Christmas at our house is a quiet day because we don’t have my step son so my husband and I just kind of hang out.  I thought maybe I would actually get some things done, like projects that I never seem to get to on the weekends.  Instead I did a lot of nothing.  I did make chex mix to take as a snack on our trip, and we started to pack (we leave for Oregon tomorrow).  Amidst my doing nothing I started to sort of freak about how I could find out I am pregnant at the beginning of January, if this IUI worked, and while I would be beyond thrilled, I am also starting a new job in February.  I signed my offer letter before Christmas, therefore not pregnant, but they are waiting for me to start until February so I can get my bonus.  I will definitely feel bad to them if I have to tell them I am pregnant a month later.  Again, I will be nothing but happy to finally be pregnant but I started to freak out thinking maybe I would just stay at my current job if that happened.  This is my weakness…..stressing over things that haven’t happened yet.  Trying to make decisions and find solutions about things that aren’t known or real problems.  During my alone time getting my pedicure I started to think through the situation again, and finally kicked myself in the ass and remembered my promise to myself.  To trust God and his timing.  If this is supposed to happen now it will.  I have been looking at job opportunities in my area for a year and just now, God made it happen.  He brought me the right opportunity now, not six months ago, or a year ago.  Everything will work out.  As one of my favorite songs we sing at church says, He works everything for good.  I do believe that and I do need to get out of my own head and just go with it as it comes.  It’s amazing the clarity that comes while someone is rubbing your feet.  J