Out of my Hands

I went to Labcorp this afternoon to get my beta.  I am pretty sure its negative, but I guess you never know.  I am a little irritated that I won’t actually find out until tomorrow because if I’m not it would be nice to at least enjoy a glass of wine tonight at my husband’s birthday dinner.  Whatever.  I will live. 

I have really been struggling with what to do if the result is negative.  Do I do another IUI in December?  Do I put it off until January so I can enjoy the holidays (which will be right in the middle of my 2WW), and see how the new job thing plays out?  I told my husband yesterday that I wanted to skip December.  I thought about it for days.  The pros and cons of both.  And I thought I had made a decision I was happy with….until today. 

As I was driving back to work from the lab, it sort of hit me that none of this is really in my control.  I may or may not be pregnant now, I may or may not get this job, and I may or may not even be “lucky” enough to only need a few IUI’s to have a healthy baby.  None of those things are my decision.  The only thing that is my decision is deciding to go forward to pursuit them.  The results are completely in God’s hands. 

Skipping another month of actively TTC (via IUI) with no medical reason not too, is silly.  While my job opportunity is very promising, they were open about saying they were interviewing other candidates, which is completely understandable.  Nothing is guaranteed.   I could be writing at the end of January that I do not have a new job and I would be 2 months further behind on having a baby.  I cannot even imagine how mad I would be at myself.  I am going to relinquish control (or my unsuccessful attempt to control) the timing and outcome of things, and just roll with it. 

If my result is negative tomorrow, lets all just wish hope and pray that AF comes knocking quickly so we can get this show on the road!


2WW of Shoes…Day 2

Today’s shoes come to you from Lily.   Its a sort of cart/kiosk thing I stubled upon in the mall.  They weren’t expensive to begin with, and the second pair was half off (so basically two pair for $48).  I am sure the other pair will debut in the next two weeks.   They also sell them online.  They are in full sizes only.  I am normally an 8 1/2 and the 9 fits perfectly.


2WW- Tribute to shoes Day 1

On this very long Two week wait I thought it woudld be fun to blog about something totally different, so I am going to try to wear different shoes every day.  I have no idea if I have enough shoes to actually make it that long but maybe digging to the bottom of my shoe bins will inspire some new outfits as well.  You will likely see a pattern in my shoe posts….comfort.  I like having cute shoes and all, but I am not a fan of being uncomfortable and I have really sensitive feet.  There will be no 4″ heals for this girl.Image

So for day one here it is….Ballet Flats from Old Navy.  They are super comfortable, and they only cost about $20.  Also please notice my sassy red pants. 

Get them here:  http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=55148&vid=1&pid=646049012

Just Your Average Trip to Safeway

On my grocery list:


Green Beans

Vaginal Suppositories

Lysol Floor Cleaner

Soft Scrub


Totally normal right?  So they did an IUI Monday morning and this morning.  My husband’s count and motility was awesome.  When he had is SA in May his motility was in the 30% range.  Today and yesterday it was almost 80%!  So consider this a glowing endorsement for a few months of Men’s Fertility Blend Vitamins.  The procedure itself was pretty anticlimactic.  I don’t know what I expected exactly. 

I have a sort of weird sense of humor, so when my husband was in dropping off his contribution to the process I found it funny to text him things like “how is your date going?  Getting lucky?”  I am not sure how much he appreciated my humor in the situation but I find it important to be able to be able to laugh a little (so I don’t cry).

Of course there was only one pharmacy in my area which has the lovely progesterone suppositories in stock, and said pharmacy is in a Safeway which is incredibly inconvenient to where I live and work.  It is close to the clinic, but since I had to go to work after the appointment today and they have to be refrigerated I couldn’t really go pick them up right after.  On a side note, if you are ever at a grocery store pharmacy and you see a long line behind you, DO NOT ask the pharmacy cashier to also ring up your FULL cart of groceries.  Its rude.  Anyway so I got them, after waiting on the aforementioned inconsiderate jerk to pay for their groceries. 

In other news I had to set foot into Pottery Barn Kids today.  Normally this doesn’t really bother me so much, but today with 16 days of waiting ahead of me, it kind of got to me.  A friend of mine works there, and they raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s hospital this time of year so I needed to drop off my donation.  Of course when I went in she was helping someone so I started to wander around while I was waiting.  Bad idea.  After very briefly looking through the nursery section I felt the breakdown coming and I retreated to the other side of the store.  if nothing else I am hoping my good deed will bring me some good karma. 

On a final and positive note, I woke up to the most awesome text from L today.  She text me saying she woke up with the chant “get knocked up, get knocked up” going through her head and she was sure it had to be for me,  I think I am going to start chanting that to my lady parts for the next few weeks.  You know, in case they need some encouragement. 


T Minus 14 Hours

The past few days have been non-stop.  Basically since Wednesday (when I started Estrace) I have been EXHAUSTED.  Like I can’t keep my eyes open.  I have also had a mild to moderate headache  most of the time and for some reason everything smells like pee.   (I was convinced my dog was having accidents everywhere in my house but then I went to the garage where she never goes and I thought that smelled like pee too!  My step son and husband both said I was crazy!)  ANYWAY….I was so happy to get home on Friday just to lay down.  Yesterday was my step son’s last soccer game followed by his soccer team party.  When you are tired and your head is pounding its really hard to be around 10 little boys and their siblings running around screaming for 2 hours.  It was brutal.  One of the other mom’s has a 1 month old baby, so I pretty much held her the whole time and tried to focus on her fabulous baby smell, and not all the screaming.  Thankfully when I got home I was able to take a nap because we had to go out to a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night.  We had the babysitter come a little early so we could actually spend some time out together before stopping by the party.  While I love our friends throwing the party, they are what you might call “party animals” and the hubs and I were not in the mood to go hard.  We stopped in for one drink before making our exit.  I was actually asleep by 10pm, and still woke up at 8 exhausted. 

Today began with a postive OPK.  I was super nervous that the line wasn’t dark enough and I somehow messed it up, but I figured better safe than sorry so I called in and told them it was positive.  Saturday when I tested there was a light line and today was much darker so I figured we were going in the right direction.  When I called in the only time I could come in was 11.  I was really looking forward to church this week but 11 is smack dab in the middle.  The hubs and I drove seperately to chuch and I left early to my appointment.  I was doing my best to stay calm but suddenly this has all become very real.

The good news is that I did not mess up reading my OPK and I have two follicles, one on each side.  The left side is sporting a 21mm, and the right a 24mm.  My lining was also 9mm, which the doctor said was good.  The nurse gave me my trigger shot, and I’ll be back in the stirrups at 10:30 tomorrow morning for my IUI.  I really need to get some good socks for this.  My pedi is trashed, and its cold in that room! 

On a side note I would like to give a shout out to my amazing co-workers who have been amazing at covering for me.  It’s really difficult to plan my work schedule around all this stuff, and a few of these awesome people have stepped up at the last minute and I cannot imagine the stress I would feel without them. 

I need lots and lots and lots of prayers pretty please!  And while you’re at it if you could also pray that I stop smelling pee smell all the time that would be awesome.

Holy Pitstains Batgirl

I have never been a “sweaty” person, even during those hormone amped teenage years. Actually quite the opposite. I would play an entire high school varsity basketball game and barely break a sweat. My friends actually made fun of me for my lack of sweating. In the last 24 hours, however, Femara has turned me into a sweaty beast. My office is cold. Like bone chilling cold. I generally sit at my desk in my coat or wrapped in a sweater with a space heater at my feet and I am still cold. It’s also open floor plan so there is no trapping the heat from my heater by shutting a door. Today was pretty much the same. I was definitely not hot, or even warm. I went into a private phone room to talk to a colleague about our travel schedules for the rest of the year (where it is also frigid), and all of a sudden I began to feel…um…damp….Thank goodness I have a good sense of humor and can laugh about this stuff or I would have been really embarrassed. I rose up my arm and I had what was probably the largest pit stain ever. Like worse than 350 pound man running a marathon bad. After my phone call I went into the bathroom to assess more closely in the mirror and it was even worse than I thought. Of course I am a weirdo and immediately snapped a pic with my iPhone and sent it to a few friends who I knew would laugh with me.  I mean, other than feeling slightly dizzy last night this is the only other side effect I have had so far and I am super grateful for that.  So I will just laugh and wear black or white the new days but I had to document this lovely side effect

Hand Selfie and other updates

I must explain my hand selfie.  I have NEVER in my life had long beautiful fingernails.  EVER.  I usually chomp those babies down at the first sign of stress or excitement.  I have been biting my nails since I was little.  My mom tried everything to make me stop when I was young, and I have tried many things as well as an adult and nothing has ever worked.  I don’t want to bite my nails.  Actually when I think about it, it’s really gross and dirty.  For whatever reason it has been a compulsion my entire life.  Completely subconscious.  Usually I have no idea I am doing it until it’s too late.  The exciting part, however, is that for whatever reason for the past few months I stopped biting them.  They are long and amazing for the first time in my life.  I am so excited.  The prenatal vitamins have really helped with making them grow out quickly, and as soon as they were all long enough I rewarded myself by getting a Gel manicure.  I have kept them manicured for about the last 5 or 6 weeks, and as long as they are looking good with the gel polish I have had no urge to bite them at all!  At the first sign of peeling I have to get the gel redone, or else I will literally peel it all off, and start biting them again.  I have about a 24 hour window from the first one chipping.  Yesterday on the car ride home from our trip I started to enter the danger zone.  If you have ever had gel, you know when your nails start to grow out it will peel up near the cuticle.  My gel lasts just over 2 weeks thanks to the rapid growing of my nails right now.  We got home pretty early in the day and a friend asked me to join her for a manicure.  Now for the tie in to my blog….I went with Green polish, which turned out to be a little more out there than I thought it would be….BUT green is not only my favorite color, but its a lucky color.  I figured I could use a little extra luck this month!  IUI #1 will likely happen by next Wednesday!

A side note…taking a flattering hand selfie was more challenging that you might think!

hand selfie


In other news, our weekend in Napa/Sonoma was perfection (minus that small incident on Thursday night).  I am so grateful for the amazing friends that we have, and everything really fell into place perfectly.  I have been planning (and saving) for the trip for almost a year, so it was so nice that everything worked out as perfectly as it did.

Tomorrow is cycle day 7, and my last day of taking Femara.  Thus far I haven’t really had any side effects which I am also grateful.  Wednesday I start taking estrace, which from reading the literature sounds like it has the potential to have more side effects that Femara so we will see.  I also leave for the bay area on Wednesday morning to spend one night in San Jose and one night in San Francisco.  I am hopeful I can get out of the city early enough to beat any bad traffic but who knows.  While I am not excited to travel this week, it should make the week go fast.  Saturday I will start OPKs, and I will be going in by next Monday at the latest (day 13).  One week from today…..which is crazy.  Based on all of this, and my travel schedule (trip to LA for work the week after Thanksgiving), the first day I will be back and could do a blood test is Dec 5th.  That also happens to be my husbands actual 40th bday.  While I know a negative has the potential to put a damper on the day, I am going to just look at it as a good sign.

It has sort of amazed me out the timing on everything has worked out.  I mean with the trip we were already taking last weekend, the holiday with family coming into town, and my work travel schedule, it could have been a real nightmare (not to say things won’t just pop up work wise).   I barely even had cramps this month which is very rare for me with my endometriosis.  Even that could have ruined part of my trip and I was somehow okay.  I have been really careful not to get my hopes up too high but I really do have a positive feeling about everything, and with how the timing has worked out I can’t help but know God is really looking over me on this one.

Finally November

November is here, finally. After months of not being able to TTC our month for IUI #1 is here. AF should arrive this week, I hope. Meanwhile, as I wait for her to show up, I am on the couch pounding Emergen-C, water, and hot tea doing my best to fight off the cold that is trying to take over my body. So far I have had a bit of a sore throat that’s turning into a cough. Last week I barely slept and was running on adrenaline fueled by stress. When I finally finished my project last Friday (a huge success), and could relax my body started letting me know how pissed it was that I ran it ragged. The weather also changed over the weekend. I won’t complain too much because it doesn’t really get cold here in comparison to other places, but it was just enough to push me over the edge. Thankfully I am able to work from home today in hopes of getting better quickly. My husband’s birthday celebration is this weekend in Napa. His actual bday isn’t until December but it’s hard to get people to go away in December so we are doing it now. We rented a Villa with a bunch of our friends. I would really like to not feel like crap for this, because I have been planning it for 8 months.  Aside from just this weekend, I need my body to be strong this month.  I am off to take a mid morning nap! 

Recovery and Results (part 1)

In my surgery day post I did not mention the results of the surgery.  There are two reasons.  One I wanted to focus on just the experience of the day.  The other is that the only information I really have is second hand.  Dr. M. spoke to my husband immediately after my surgery but I was still lights out, so what I know came from my husband.  I absolutely love and adore him, but he is not great with details.  Apparently Dr. M. also showed him pictures, which probably was a little disturbing and distracting for him I can imagine.  Does anyone else ever wonder if you and your husband are going to need to see a sex therapist after all of this just to have a normal sex life?

Anyway, so here is what I know.

My right ovary is still there.  Big win.

While they were fishing around down there, they found I have stage III endometriosis.  HUGE BUMMER.

The cyst they removed was not a dermoid cyst.  It was a chocolate cyst, which is a type of endometrial cyst.  Hope you are ok with graphic info…. If not you might want to skip to the next paragraph (you have been warned).  The chocolate cyst gets his name because it’s basically covered in caked on layers of dried blood that resemble chocolate syrup.  Gross.  I can only imagine my poor husbands face as Dr. M showed him pictures of this thing.   No really, I fear our sex life may never be the same.

Our follow up appointment is in a week.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a very long week.

As far as my recovery goes….the first two days were pretty brutal.  I actually am ok with pain, but I hate being nauseous.  The first day was just pain, but as long as I just laid in bed I could manage it.  Day two was pain and just feeling so nauseous all day.  I pretty much slept all day.  Around dinner time a friend brought me some soup and other goodies (by goodies I mean ginger ale and other sickie food) and we chatted which was nice.  Friday I actually felt a lot better and boredom totally set it.  I don’t ever spend this much time by myself.  Further I am not really into TV or movies and there wasn’t a book out that I was dying to read.  The one movie I was excited about watching I thought was available on Amazon Prime, actually wasn’t and I really didn’t want to pay $15 on iTunes to get it.

Friday night I finally had an appetite and my husband picked up an In and Out Burger. I basically inhaled it.  So delish!  Unfortunately since then I have gone back to having very little appetite.  From the time I found out about this surgery in July until actually having it I gained weight.  Mostly from stress eating foods I normally don’t have in my diet.  Since having the surgery I have lost 6 pounds in 7 days.  Not bad considering I still feel bloated from the gas they pump in you during the surgery.

I will say a lot of people told me they got super sore in their back and shoulders after laparoscopic surgery.  That actually didn’t happen to me at all.  I definitely was/am bloated but I guess it just stayed in my lower abdomen area.

I mentioned in a previous post that there was mention by the surgery scheduler of what part of my cycle I needed to be in to have the surgery.  The doctor later told me it didn’t matter when we did it, and it ended up falling at the very end of my cycle.  Why does this matter?  Well because my new cycle started during my recovery, three days after my surgery.  What a bitch.  I stopped bleeding from the procedure after a day, one day off, and then aunt flo came for her visit.  I hate wearing pads.  Absolutely hate them.  In addition after feeling so much better on Friday, it went back downhill.  More cramps, headache, exhaustion, and I am an absolute emotional wreck.  Literally crying over nothing, spontaneously.  While the physical symptoms are annoying they are manageable, but it’s hard to explain to your boss why you are crying when he asked you to sign an invoice.  He told me to go home early today.  I also cried about that.  Seriously I need to pull it together.

I am also having issues sleeping, likely due to stress/anxiety.  First I thought maybe I couldn’t sleep because I slept so much the few days after surgery, but clearly my body is tired and needs sleep to heal.  I really feel exhausted.  I tried taking an Excedrin PM the last two nights.  I couldn’t figure out why they weren’t helping because I haven’t taken a sleeping pill in over a year and usually they put me out in 15 minutes or less.  Well tonight I actually looked at the bottle before taking one, and they expired at the beginning of 2012.  As I mentioned, it’s been a long time since I have taken one.  They are on my target list for tomorrow because I have got to get some real sleep.

My anxiety mostly is over the unknown.  Over the weekend I started doing research on Endometriosis.  Before last week I had no idea what it even was, but after my husband told me what Dr. M. told him I just looked it up.  I told some of my close friends about the diagnosis and none of them knew what it was, so I need to be able to give a brief description.  For a few days that was good enough for me, but then as I started to feel better I started to dig into it more.

It comes down to this: I am scared shitless that Dr. M. is going to tell us our only chance is IVF.

First of all, I am not sure I am ready to do that to my body.  I have read a lot of blogs the last few days.   A lot of REAL stories from real women with amazing details that really make you feel for them.  Some of them have beautiful babies right now, and some of them don’t.  Aside from the emotional connection I felt though reading their stories the information was very more specific and useful than anything else on the internet.  Reading about what these hormones do to your body during IVF is paralyzing.  I know they think it’s worth it.  I think it’s worth it.  I’m just scared I’m not strong enough to do it.

Then there is the financial part.  Our insurance covers nothing when it comes to fertility treatments.  NOTHING.  We have already spent thousands of dollars over the summer just getting to where we are now.  We both have great jobs, but we do not have money for even one round of IVF right now.  As I understand it endometriosis comes back, rather quickly too, so we are on a time table on top of all of it.  How far behind do we want to get?  How do you make a decision on how much debt you are willing to go into to have a child?  How are you even supposed to make that decision?

Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself since we haven’t even gone to the follow up yet, but it’s hard to ignore it.

Like I said, this is going to be a very long week.

P.S. It’s my birthday this week, and I have never been so not-excited for my birthday.  I really believed I would be pregnant before I turned 31.  Really at the beginning of the summer when all of this started I thought everything would be fine.  The only thing making me feel better right now is writing it all down.  Typing out every thought I have about all of it.  It’s the only thing keeping me relatively calm and sane.