17 Week Update

It really feels like time is going so quickly.  Can it really be the last weekend of June already?  Next weekend my dad and brother will be visiting for a week, which I am really excited about.  I took the week off of work and I am hopeful to get quite a bit done around the house and with the nursery.  My morning sickness is still there, but less frequent.  Unfortunately I am experiencing horrific constipation and almost had to go to urgent care!

I finally actually look pregnant which is exciting.  I feel like it basically happened over night.  I was really starting to feel sensitive about everyone telling me how skinny I looked so I am loving it now.

We have also been dealing with some anxiety/jealousy issues with my stepson about the babies.  He is ultimately really excited to be a big brother, but he is also experiencing the normal realization that things are going to change.  We had a few hard weeks before he would tell us what was bothering him, but we are addressing the issues with him now and he is seeing a counselor.  Having a new baby/babies come into any family is stressful on an only child, and its only more complicated by him not being with us all the time.

 

How Far along: 17 Weeks

Total Weight Gain: Finally gaining back some weight. Down only 6 lbs from pre-pregnancy weight

Maternity Clothes: Last week I put on a tank top and it fit perfectly…..this week I put it on and it was way to short! I actually bought a few maternity items over the past few days, but I am still able to wear a lot of my normal clothes, as long as the shirts are long enough.

Movement: Not yet

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: Once I find a comfortable position I sleep well, but I wake up a lot to pee!

Best moments: Finally actually looking like I am pregnant. When I look at my little bump I literally feel overjoyed.

Miss Anything: Not really.

Food Cravings: Asian food and iced tea.

Anything make you feel queasy or sick: Meat has still been hard. Especially beef and chicken. I also often feel sick in the morning.

Showing: Yes!

Gender: We find out on July 16th.

Labor signs: No

Symptoms: Food aversion, constipation (OMG!!), some morning sickness

Belly Button: In

Wedding Rings: On

Mood: Happy. Occasionally moody.

Looking forward to: My dad and brother visiting over the 4th of July week.

Advertisements

Looking Back and Baby Registry

Today I was reminded of 2014. My uncle posted a photo of us on vacation in San Diego. I look terrible. Actually I look pregnant, even though I wasn’t. I look more pregnant in the photo that I do now, at almost 15 weeks. At the time the photo was taken I had already had 3 failed back to back IUIs that year and my grandpa had just passed away a few days prior. I was so bloated and heavy. While we had a great time that week in SoCal, it was exactly a week later that my dad went in to ICU and nearly died. I spent the rest of that summer flying back and forth trying to balance my job and being there for my dad. Finally when things turned around for him and he was back home I went on to have another failed IUI. At the end of 2014 I was in the worst health of my life physically and mentally.

Seeing that picture made me feel so grateful for where I am right now. It also makes me really grateful that I decided to take a year off from the physical and emotional tolls of infertility. I feel proud of all of the changes I made for my health. There was a time during IVF that I thought none of that mattered, that it had all been for nothing. Even if IVF hadn’t worked for us I can tell you just looking at that photo and knowing how I felt then, it was one of the most important things I have never done for myself. I know that weight isn’t everything, but today, 14 ½ weeks pregnant with twins, I weight about 15 lbs less than I did in that photo from 2014. Every product I put on my body is different now. Every product we use around our house is different.  The food we buy is different.

Making changes for your health is important and it makes a difference. Maybe not a difference that you see overnight but that photo was a serious reminder of where I was, and it wasn’t pretty.

 

On to the fun stuff………..

Thank goodness for good friends. Especially friends cut from the same mold that know the value of a good spreadsheet.

Because my friend A moved to the Bay Area last year we had preplanned a date for her to come up and help me navigate BuyBuyBaby to do a registry. My first shower is less than two months away and honestly I wanted to get a handle on what we needed so I could start gradually buying things over the next few months. When there are so many things that we need two of……expensive things……we know that we will be buying a lot ourselves. Spreading that cost over a few months, especially months I am not on maternity leave, is key.

So Sunday morning we met at BuyBuyBaby armed with a spreadsheet of items, brands, and prices, and we started scanning products.

We started in the bottle/feeding section. Let me just say, without A there I would have started crying hysterically at that point just from being so overwhelmed at the choices and we probably would have had to leave. A is a hero. Even with her well researched guidance, and great advice it was still really overwhelming.

The whole process took about three hours. We had to trade in our scanner 3 times because it kept freezing, and the stroller/car seat section was understaffed so we had to wait quite a while for help (the rocker/crib section however was crawling with employees that wouldn’t leave us alone!).  Doing a registry is not a fast process.

When we finished I felt like I had a good list. There were a few things I wanted to research further and a few things I may change when we find out the genders, but all-in-all it was a successful day.

I also registered at Target, which I am still working on, but a word of advice if you plan to register there…..the website is terrible for adding items. There are a ton of things (such as baby carriers and pacifiers) that the website doesn’t let you add to the registry. There is only an “add to cart” button. Finding things online is also a nightmare. If you plan to register there get the Target Registry App on your phone. It is WAY easier and you can actually scan products in the store from your phone onto your registry. You can also search products on the APP and add them that way without the annoying “cart” glitch.

Some baby sections at Target are better than others. The one near my work is terrible and they barely carry any baby stuff. The one near my house is much better. If you plan to register in store I would recommend finding a Target with a good baby section. Target also has a lot of “seasonal” items that are discontinued quickly. I am not just talking about things like swim diapers or snow suits either. I tried registering for a very basic swaddle and the app told me it was being discontinued. Just watch out for that.

I would highly recommend bringing a friend with you to register or at least taking the time to do a lot of research beforehand, otherwise you will be overwhelmed and run out of the store in pregnant hormonal tears.

14 Weeks Updates

I will actually be 14 weeks on Saturday, but I don’t usually blog on the weekends so here is my slightly early update.

The last few weeks have been very eventful, and not all in good ways unfortunately.

The day I hit 12 weeks I finally felt great. It was such a great day. I was finally able to catch up on things around the house and even get a few extra things done. I actually felt somewhat hungry, which was a huge thing for me. We even went to a local furniture and appliance store and bought a new recliner and dishwasher! The following day I was back to feeling crappy. I managed to go to the grocery store in the morning to get a few things, but spent most of the rest of the day laying down. My appetite had once again completely vanished.

Monday morning I felt even worse. I managed to make it to work but I was very nauseous and left around 2 with a horrible headache. By the time I got home my headache was a migraine and I started to get very sick, unable to keep anything down. This has happened a few times before and usually goes away the next day. Well this time that was not the case and on Tuesday my headache was gone but I was still throwing up quite a bit. I called the doctor and they prescribed me Reglan. A friend went to pick it up for me (my husband was out of state on a business trip). The nurse told me to take two doses over six hours and if it didn’t work I needed to go to the ER. I took both doses and I was just getting worse. Unfortunately it was now after 10pm and with my husband gone I had no one to take me to the ER so I just waited it out through the night. It was horrible to be alone and I was really scared. Finally at 7 am I contacted a friend and she took me to the ER.

I arrived a just the right time because it wasn’t busy and I only had to wait a few minutes. The started an IV and tried giving me Reglan via IV, but it did not help. After 2 hours or so they finally gave me Zofran via IV and it was like magic. I finally had some relief. I ended up being in the ER for about 7 hours as they filled me with 4 bags of fluid. My husband thankfully got home from his trip about 2 hours before I was discharged and picked up my new prescription for Zofran on the way home. I spent the next two days in bed recovering. I have been taking 1-2 Zofran a day as needed since.

Thankfully by Friday night I was feeling good enough to hop on a plane to Kansas to celebrate my grandma’s 90th birthday. I would have been crushed if I had to miss the trip. It was a long flight but it was very worth it. I spent the weekend with family and saw a few friends, but the best was seeing my grandma at her party. We told her she could start telling people about the twins and she was over the moon. She basically told every person as they came in. She is generally not the most positive person so seeing how excited she is to be a great grandma is so awesome.

After the party we had family photos taken and the photographer took a few special shots of us to announce the babies. Other than being totally exhausted and having a good amount of back pain I felt pretty good over the weekend, and I was able to eat a lot more than I have been which was great.

We got home Tuesday night and headed to the perinatologist (high risk OB) first thing Wednesday morning for an NT scan of the babies. It was the most fun ultrasound we have had and everything looked perfect. They were able to see the babies’ hearts and stomachs and brains! They have both grown so much! They are both measuring right on track and heartbeats were in the 150s. I loved the perinatologist! She was so positive and I really enjoyed talking to her. She said the babies are positioned well and everything looked perfect.

I am super happy to have a 3 day work week. While I am still having some nausea the back pain is the worst, especially after working all day. This should be a fun weekend as my stepson is playing in his basketball league’s all-star game on Friday, we are getting our new dishwasher installed on Saturday as well as getting our second crib and recliner delivered, and on Sunday we are registering!

 

How Far along: 13 Weeks 5 Days

Total Weight Gain: Still down about 7 pounds. Hopefully that starts to change as I get my appetite back and start feeling better.

Maternity Clothes: Not yet

Movement: Not yet

Stretch marks: No

Sleep: Getting harder to get comfortable but not bad.

Best moments: Seeing how excited my grandma is about the babies, and our scan yesterday!

Miss Anything: Just being able to do something simple without back pain or getting tired really fast.

Food Cravings: No

Anything make you feel queasy or sick: Apparently a little airplane turbulence, meat, and when I first get up in the morning.

Showing: A little bit!

Gender: Don’t know yet, but its funny how everyone asks “Do you know what you’re having? Oh well what do you want to have?” As if we get to decide. HAHA. We find out July 11th. I am toying with having a little BBQ/Reveal party.

Labor signs: No

Symptoms: Food aversion, BACK PAIN! Nausea

Belly Button: In

Wedding Rings: On

Mood: Mostly Happy. Tired a lot. Pregnancy brain is REAL! Earlier this week I wrote a check to our dog sitter and dated it March 31st!

Looking forward to: My new dishwasher and registering!

11 Week Updates

Today I am officially 11 weeks 2 days pregnant, and my appointment on Friday went great. Both babies were moving around, especially Baby B. Baby A looks like s/he is waving at us in the ultrasound photo. Both babies were measuring one day ahead with great heartbeats.

Morning sickness has gotten way worse the past two weeks. Unfortunately I have been continuing to lose weight (down 7 lbs.) but the doctor wasn’t worried about it right now. My list of food I can stomach is also decreasing down to crackers, soup, toast, PB&J, and smoothies. That’s pretty much it. On the bright side I am not as exhausted as I was before. I can actually make it through the whole day without a nap, although if I get the chance I will still take one.

After almost 5 years of infertility every time I see the babies on the ultrasound it does not seem real. I just lay there looking at them sort of unbelieving that they are mine, and they are doing well.

 

How Far Along: 11 Weeks 2 days

Total Weight Gain- 7 Pounds lost thanks to morning sickness and food aversion

Maternity Clothes- Not yet

Stretch Marks- No

Sleep: Pretty good but learning to sleep on my side is a serious adjustment for this stomach sleeper.

Best Moment this week: Seeing the babies!

Miss Anything: My appetite

Movement: not yet

Food Cravings: More like what can I actually manage to eat which isn’t much!

Anything making you feel queasy or sick: Most food. Being a passenger in a car. Just being awake.

Showing: No

Gender: Don’t know yet

Labor Signs: No

Symptoms: As stated above morning sickness, food aversion to everything, tired.

Belly Button: In

Wedding rings: on

Mood: Mostly happy. A little overwhelmed by the amount of things we need to do this summer to get ready by 30 weeks, especially since I have been so sick lately!

Looking Forward To: Getting all the extra stuff cleaned out of the nursery. Seeing my family in two weeks for my Grandma’s 90th birthday!

Checking In

Hello! So sorry for my unexpected break from blogging the last few weeks. Truthfully I have been slammed at work and way too exhausted to do anything when I’m not working. Thankfully that seems to be getting a little better. At least I made it to 9pm without a nap yesterday which is something.

Since my last ultrasound at 8 weeks 2 days I have met with the nurse practitioner at my OBs office and done a bunch of lab work. The nurse gave me tons of information, which I have been slowly reading as I have the energy. This Friday I will see my actual doctor and get another ultrasound. I will be `10 weeks 6 days at that appointment. I plan to tell my work the following week when my boss is in town assuming the appointment goes well and the babies are still doing great.

In the meantime I am doing lots of research on baby products and twin baby products. I am going to register in June, which seems really early, except I need to have everything totally ready to go by the end of September (30 weeks).

My mom is throwing me a family shower in Colorado in July and my friends are throwing me a local shower in September. We are in the process of getting the guest room converted into a nursery, and the current playroom converted into a guest room. My part is this is basically organizing or purging all of the random things stored in the nursery and telling my husband where to move furniture. We are also recarpeting the main living room of our house which desperately needs to be done before we have babies crawling on it. A new dishwasher will be a must purchase item before the babies come as well.

I have bought a few things for the nursery but it still feels a little strange to do so. This weekend we are going to purchase a second crib after my appointment as well to match the one we have (because it is on sale right now).

My mom has been really awesome and already sent me baby clothes. She pretty much asks me weekly when we find out the genders. It’s great to see how excited she has been.

Outside of all things baby we are headed to Kansas for Memorial Day weekend! We are going to celebrate my grandma’s 90th birthday and it’s my 15 year high school reunion (OMG I’m getting old). 2015 was the first year in my entire life I did not go back to Kansas. I am sure some of my family members weren’t thrilled about that, but my dad came to visit us last year, and I spent most of the previous summer there when my dad was sick. It is so hard to balance everything when I have so little vacation time and I really do feel guilty about it. I am really looking forward to this trip so I hope it all goes smoothly.

I hope everyone is doing well and I will try to update after my appointment on Friday! XOXO

Graduation

I have officially graduated from the fertility clinic and on to the OB! I had my last appointment at the clinic yesterday afternoon. We got an ultrasound and both babies are doing excellent measuring 2 days ahead at 8w4d. Both had heartbeats in the 170s. They looked like adorable little gummy bears! We even got a DVD of the ultrasound with audio for the heartbeats! I have been going to the clinic for so many years now (since 2013) that it seems crazy that I have finally graduated. My nurse gave me several big hugs. I will really miss her.

My first appointment with my OBs office is this Friday. I will see the nurse practitioner this appointment and in two weeks I will see the doctor. I’m curious about frequency of appointments with the twins after that. My appointment with the doctor is just before 11 weeks, so I will likely tell my boss in the week following the appointment. My maternity leave start date will likely be somewhat of a wild card so I want to give him as much notice as possible. The good news is that it will be right as we are winding down for the year.

My biggest pregnancy symptom continues to be exhaustion. I could sleep all the time. Friday night I slept 12 hours straight, ran errands for 2 hours, and then needed a 3 hour nap! I do have some morning sickness but I will not complain because it’s been manageable. My appetite is nonexistent. Occasionally I have random and very specific cravings, usually for something really unhealthy, but mostly nothing sounds good. The key to keeping nausea away seems to be eating so it’s been a struggle to find foods that don’t make me want to gag. Cooking is also totally out of the question, especially meat. Thankfully my husband has done a great job of making dinner and when I’m not too exhausted I try to help with the dishes. I have also been having some very crazy dreams!

I hope everyone out there is doing well! Happy NIAW!

What to do When…

You’re having TWO!

Tuesday morning I was so excited to start my day with acupuncture. It was my second morning in a row of nausea and I was really hopeful that acupuncture was going to give some relief. I was so tired/relaxed I slept through the whole thing! It was wonderful! And I felt better afterwards. I had about an hour and a half until our ultrasound appointment at the clinic. I had some work to do in between and time went pretty quickly.

Around 11:15 I met my husband at the clinic and we signed in for our appointment. They seemed to be running on time and we were taken back pretty quickly. A new doctor just joined the practice two weeks ago and I was scheduled with her for my ultrasound. I really liked her right off the bat. She started the ultrasound and brought up the first image on the screen. A perfect little baby! And then she said “and here is the other one!” Another perfect little baby!

Honestly seeing the first one I was so happy I was starting to tear up, but then seeing the second I was completely shocked. Of course I knew there was a chance we would have twins. I mean we transferred three embryos for goodness sakes! But knowing something is possible and having it actually happen before you is totally different. Also in the last two weeks I was pretty convinced it was just one. My beta numbers were strong and increasing at a perfect 48 hour doubling time and I know with multiples you often see much higher numbers and higher doubling time. Also I had been feeling mostly pretty normal. Morning sickness had started at 6w2d, other than a few random waves of nausea prior. I just felt like it was for sure a singleton pregnancy. Well I was very wrong. And I was very shocked.

Baby A measured at 6w3d with 114 heartbeat. Baby B measured slightly smaller at just 6w, but had 113 heartbeat. The doctor said that both were within normal ranges and at this point they want the heartbeat to be over 100. She said at this point she wasn’t worried about Baby B being a little smaller. I have another ultrasound on the 25th.

Two days later I am still in shock. Happy. Excited. A little overwhelmed. And just still very surprised.

It is going to be weird going two weeks without a doctor’s appointment, but I feeling a little better about things now that I have heard their little heartbeats! AHHHHH!!! Is this really happening?!?!

Worth It

Basically the minute after our close friends and family found out I had my transfer I started getting daily text messages asking me how I was feeling. It was really nice to feel loved and that people were there for me and wanted to check in on me.

And then I got a positive beta. More text messages asking me how I was feeling. For the most part I felt really normal, but when I would respond and say “I feel good!” I could almost feel the disappointment from whoever was asking. So I started to respond saying “Good, but I am a little more tired than normal” or “Good but I am having a little reflux”. And then they would get really excited and say things like “well that will only get worse”, or “get used to it I was always so exhausted”. Basically everyone was really excited to share their own pregnancy symptoms with me. It got to the point that I started to freak out a little because I did feel so good for the most part, that maybe something was wrong.

While some people get symptoms earlier a lot of women (especially the fertile who aren’t over evaluating every single little feeling) don’t notice anything until six weeks.

After beta #3 I started getting more specific messages like “so has morning sickness hit yet?” or “are you throwing up yet?” Everyone seems super excited for me to be sick. Maybe so they can tell me how sick they were? I don’t know. I don’t really get it.

So on Tuesday night my dog woke me up at 3 am to pee (a bad habit she has), and I actually did feel sick. I had actually slept from 10 to 3 which is the longest I had gone without getting up to pee in the past few weeks, and my stomach was obviously completely empty. I didn’t actually throw up, but I could have easily. I finally ate some applesauce and was able to go back to sleep after like an hour and a half. When I woke up a few hours later I was still a little queasy but I ate something and it passed.

The next day my mom text me asking if I was feeling sick yet later in the day. I told her I thought I had felt some morning sickness around 3 am and her response was, “well it’s worth it.”

Do you really need to tell me it’s worth it? I wasn’t complaining. I didn’t even bring it up. She asked. I will throw up every single day and night for the next 8 months if it means that I get to bring home a healthy baby. And quite frankly if I do get super sick I have every right to be miserable and even complain, but that absolutely does not mean that I don’t think it’s worth it. I am fully aware that I asked for this…..I paid tens of thousands of dollars trying to have this…….and I literally pray to thank God for it every single day.

So it might just be the pregnancy hormones which have made me a little more moody and sensitive than usual, but I was pretty pissed that she would have the nerve to say that to me. If almost felt like a lecture. At that point I pretty much cut off the conversation.

I am sure that this is just the beginning of months, or years, or unsolicited advice and comments about all things pregnancy and parenting (as if I haven’t already had enough about how to get pregnant over the years), and honestly even that will be worth it if it means I get to bring home a healthy baby.

A Watched Pot (UPDATED)

Last week when the nurse called to let me know about my positive beta she told me that my next beta (#3) would be at an outside lab. At the time I didn’t have an issue with it, even knowing that meant I wouldn’t get results until the next day. Beta #1 and #2 are included in the cycle fees paid upfront, but Beta #3 is not, but it can be billed to insurance. What I don’t totally understand, is why they can bill my insurance for my six and eight week ultrasounds, but make me to an outside lab rather than using their lab. Couldn’t they also bill insurance for this simple blood test? At this point I would actually have preferred to just pay for their lab to do it!

I went to Labcorp yesterday at 7:15 am. Today at noon I’m still waiting for results. I am stalking my patient portal like a total crazy refreshing every few minutes (something I teased my husband about doing when we were waiting for our original results to post).

Honestly this wait has been worse than the TWW for me. Thankfully I had acupuncture this morning, which did help my anxiety significantly, but still my patience is dwindling. I have been praying a lot, mostly for peace, over the past 48 hours. I am trying my best to give this to God. After almost 5 years of infertility I am just terrified of losing the thing I have prayed so hard to get.

My sweet friends have been great to check in on me the last week so see how I’m feeling, which is great…..except I actually feel mostly normal. The changes I feel are subtle. I am a little more tired than normal, but nothing crazy. I have reflux some times, but not always. My boobs are a little tender to touch. I got a terrible headache after running errands Saturday that I think was caused by not staying hydrated enough. I do have to pee very frequently. I am up 2-3 times a night at least. I barely made it through acupuncture today even though I went right before my appointment. Otherwise I feel pretty normal. And when I respond to text messages letting them know I feel good/normal I almost feel like they are disappointed. And then I start to freak out that I should be feeling more.

I am anxiously awaiting confirmation that things are ok. Honestly its really surprising to me how hard this part has been for me. I am not usually a worry-wort about things. I can barely concentrate at work! I finally put my headphones on with some Hillsong to try and relax, and thought that writing out my feelings would be therapeutic. I actually might take a quick walk around my building! Because a watched patient portal never gives you want you want!

UPDATE:

After writing this post I went on a nice walk listening to Pandora and came back to my desk and tried to focus on work, only letting myself check my patient portal every 15 minutes.  At 1:15 there was finally a new result.  I said a quick prayer and then opened it.  My Beta #3, taken at 5 weeks 2 days, was 5148, which is a doubling time of 48.2 hours!  I am breathing a huge sigh of relief.

The clinic actually called like 2 minutes after I saw the result, and my six week ultrasound is scheduled for next Tuesday.

Can This Be Real?

Today I am 4w6d. I just can’t stop thinking and wondering if this could be real. After all this time can I really be pregnant? With all of the twists and turns that infertility brings to my life I just keep wondering when the other shoe will drop. I am obviously thrilled, but part of me just doesn’t believe it’s really happening.

The part of me that loves to have every detail planned is screaming “Get with it girl! There is so much to do!”. And then there is part of my brain that just hasn’t accepted that this is really going to happen. And there is also a part that feels like if I do anything it will somehow jinx it. I know that’s not how it works. This is purely in God’s hands. But I have finally gotten this thing that is so precious to me, that I have wanted so badly for so long, and I am terrified I will somehow loose it.

OB Care

The clinic recommended I set up OB care immediately for after 8 weeks. From what I understand I will get an ultrasound at the clinic at 6 weeks and 8 weeks, and after that I graduate to the OB. I felt so weird about calling my OBGYN’s office on Monday. I felt like a fraud honestly. After speaking with the nurse I was extremely happy I called, because I was told they would get back to me in 5-7 business days to let me know if my doctor (who I already have been seeing for years for GYN services) would accept me as an OB patient. I wasn’t really given a lot of information on why I may or may not be accepted, but if they weren’t going to accept me this is information I need sooner rather than later obviously so I could figure something else out.

Thankfully I received a message yesterday that I had been accepted. I called this morning to set up my first two appointments. My first will be with the nurse practitioner just before 9 weeks (the same week as my 8 week ultrasound at the clinic), and the second with the doctor just before 11 weeks.

Acupuncture

I plan to continue with acupuncture throughout my pregnancy, and for at least the first trimester I will go weekly. When I went in for my first pregnancy treatment, before my beta, I could tell that my acupuncturist thought I was pregnant. She didn’t say it, but she was totally transparent after she took my pulses. When I went in after my beta for my second treatment she admitted she just knew I was pregnant the week before. I love acupuncture and it helps many people with the symptoms of pregnancy, especially in the first trimester.

How I am Feeling Physically

Today is the first day that I feel a little queasy. I have had some reflux and bloating since a few days before my beta as well. I have been trying to eat every two hours, and if I go too long between snacks/meals I don’t feel well. My face has been breaking out here and there, and I am more tired than usual. I have been trying to walk for 30 minutes every day. I also have to get up and pee at least 4 times a night. I have also been trying my best to practice sleeping on my side. I am a stomach sleeper so this has been a challenge. Because I am bloated sleeping on my stomach is comfortable either so sleep has been hit or miss the past week.

Telling People

Basically we have shared our news with our family and close friends who knew the details of our IVF. It is very overwhelming for me to tell people, especially because it’s hard for me to believe it’s actually happening. I am also really scared that something will go wrong.

What’s Next?

I will have another Beta on Monday to make sure levels are rising appropriately. If things are looking good I will have a 6 week ultra sound on Monday April 11th (I will be 6w2d). I think that hearing a heartbeat will make this feel much more real.