Half Way to Beta

Today is 6dp3dt and halfway through the TWW.

The implantation window is 6-10 days post retrieval, which would be from last Friday through tomorrow if any of my embabies made it to blastocysts.

For the most part I have been trying to take it easy. Honestly it’s harder than I thought because I am not great at just laying around, especially when there is things to be done around the house. My husband has been helping out but he just doesn’t do things the way I do (read he does the bare minimum).

Physically the most significant thing I feel is tired. Always. I sleep like a rock at night and don’t have an issue waking up, but I constantly feel tired. I had some significant cramping and bloating that started Friday afternoon and finally went away Sunday morning. I also am having some muscle pain in my legs, mostly the right side, which I think is being caused by the PIO injection. My lower back also aches a bit, but I also think that’s from the PIO. My breasts do feel a little more sensitive than normal as well, but I am trying not to read too much into anything as progesterone really effects my body.

I have a lot going on this week which should help the week go quickly. I am really looking forward to acupuncture on Thursday morning. So far I have no desire to POAS and I am really going to try not to. I know it will get harder toward the end of the week, but I want to try and stay strong. My overall mental space has been good.

On a separate note something interesting happened last week with a friend of mine. Probably a year ago my friend told me she was struggling to get pregnant as well and they were going to talk to the doctor about it. She did a few rounds of TI with Clomid last year, and near the end of the year planned to do one last TI with injectables before trying IUIs. We had a few interactions over email (she lives several time zones away so that is how we usually communicate) about the TI, and she ended up having 5 or 6 follicles. She mentioned that the doctor told them there were risks of going ahead with TI with that many but they did it anyway which was obviously there choice. Right before Christmas she told me that she would find out if the TI was successful and then I never heard another word about it. She and I continued to email pretty much every week ever since and she never said anything, and she didn’t say anything about moving forward with an IUI either. Obviously I assumed she was pregnant and just not ready to tell yet, which I respect.

Here is my issue….over those three months I talked about my IVF cycle several times and she never acknowledged it. Not a word. Her responses completely avoided the subject all together. I was pretty upset about it, especially since I felt like having gone through infertility herself she would be more sensitive than that. I basically decided that I would mention one thing about the IVF meds in my last email to her and then not say another word unless she actually acknowledged it.

Well her response did acknowledge it, but it was like this “Hey I wanted to let you know that our last round of TI worked. I am three months pregnant. I just wanted to make sure I told you. I wish you the best on your IVF. I’m crossing my fingers for you and lm thinking you about you”

While I totally appreciate that she finally actually acknowledged it, it still makes me upset that she wouldn’t do it until she was 3 months along in her own pregnancy. I think it’s great that she was able to get pregnant but I don’t understand why she couldn’t/wouldn’t offer support to me until she was out of the first trimester. So if she hadn’t gotten pregnant would she not have supported me like I support her?

It’s so hard to deal with the constant blows to long standing friendships that comes from infertility. It’s disappointing and exhausting. I can only hope that it has taught me to be sensitive and supportive to other’s struggles.

Part of me feels like six more days to beta feels like nothing and forever at the same time. I am also reminded that getting positive results on Sunday isn’t the finish line. It will be a long road to bringing home a healthy baby and the next few weeks will bring lots of difficult moments and more waiting.

Thank you everyone for the support and love!

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What PUPO Really Means

Right now, for the first time ever, I am pregnant until proven otherwise. PUPO is a term I have been familiar with for a long time. It’s a special way to refer to the two week wait after your IVF embryo transfer, when you embryos are placed inside your uterus for growth, implantation, and safe-keeping.

But it’s more than just the factual definition. Right now it is my body’s mission to take care of my little embabies. While the embryologist may have told me that each embryos potential is set at fertilization having them inside of me is a serious responsibility. I feel connected to them. I want to give them a good safe home for the next nine months. No matter what happens, even if it’s for only a short time, they lived inside of me.

When I look at the photo of my little wonders I feel proud. It seems strange to be so in love with a few microscopic cells. They represent hope. A lot of love and science went into creating them. Having them inside of me, hopefully dividing, growing, developing, and making themselves at home, is a privilege. I am celebrating that they made it this far. That is a gift.

Right now every little decision I make is about them. What I do, eat, put in or on my body…..it’s all for them. There is no way for me to check on them. All I can do is pray for them and give them my best. I can only hope it’s enough. They deserve everything.

If they don’t make it there is no way I won’t feel responsible. While logic and science might be able to give me a list of other explanations, my only concern is helping them develop and keeping them safe. I will feel like I failed them if that isn’t possible. I think they call that being a protective mother.

Being PUPO is special. It might be an agonizing two-ish weeks of wondering and hoping they are okay, but it might also be the only time I get with them. There is nothing I can do to make the time go faster, so right now I am focusing on the time I have with them. I hope they are fighting for me like I am fighting for them. If they don’t make it I will never forget them.  For the next few days I will be happy to take care of them.  And I will pray everyday they stick around.

Three is a Special Number—Part Two

Three is a Special Number—Part Two

The night before our transfer appointment I lay in bed, mind racing to what I imagined were all the possible outcomes of the next morning. Obviously worst case scenario was that I would show up to be told none of my embryos made it. Best case would be that they were all going strong and I might even have one to freeze. Eventually I feel asleep and actually slept through the night.

Walking into the clinic on Tuesday morning I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that I did everything I could, and it was out of my hands.

Dr. C, the acupuncturist, met us in the waiting area and headed back to the transfer room to set up for my pre-transfer acupuncture session.

We were called back to meet with Dr. S for our pre-transfer consult meeting. This was the moment. We sat across from him at his desk while he read us the embryology report from our chart. First he went over what we already knew. 5 eggs retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized normally.

And then he held up a photo of our three day three embabies. All of which were still growing and dividing. I was honestly really surprised, and so very grateful that they all made it. All of them. Two of them were 6 cell grade B, and one was 5 cell grade A.

So here is the crazy part. Both the embryologist and the doctor recommended we transfer all of them. Three. This was absolutely not on my radar as a possibility.

The doctor went on to explain that if they were to transfer two, it would be the six cell embryos because they were a little further along than the 5 cell, however the 5 cell was actually a better embryo. Because the 5 cell was lagging behind a bit (they like to see three day transfers at 6-8 cells), statistically it would have a better chance of continuing to grow in my uterus rather than in the dish. Because 8 cell embryos have the best odds of implanting on day three, they advised that we transfer all of them given that the other two were only at six cells.

Of course he addressed the risk of multiples, which he advised that our chances of getting pregnant at all were around 50%, our chances of having twins was 30-40%, and our chances of having triplets was 1%. So we went for it.

We signed the consent forms and the Doctor called the lab. I was taken back to the transfer room where Dr. C was ready for my acupuncture. I also took a valium on the way. I highly recommend acupuncture on the day of transfer. It (along with the valium) kept me very calm and happy.

The transfer itself went very quickly. The only uncomfortable part about it was that my bladder was full. It was fun to watch on the ultrasound screen as my little embabies made their entrance.

Afterwards they make you sit for 10 minutes before you can empty your bladder. Thankfully the embryologist came in to talk to us during that time which made it go very quickly. He basically confirmed everything Dr. S had told us earlier. I also asked him about any observations about egg quality. He reviewed my chart and confirmed that they did not see anything abnormal with my egg quality which was so great to hear. He also said that once inside the uterus 5 and 6 cell embryos can make it to 8 cells in an hour or so once they are settled.

He also mentioned that the potential of each embryo is decided at fertilization. He went over all of the things that could happen from here, from becoming a healthy baby, to chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, and failure to implant. It was just a reminder that it is still a long road after a positive beta. He also strongly advised against taking a HPT before beta, which I am going to try very hard not to do.

After I was able to pee Dr. C came in for my post transfer acupuncture appointment. Dr. C is not my normal acupuncturist but he owns the clinic I go to and I had met him a few times. I was immediately comfortable with him and we had a good chat while he placed the needles.

My clinic requires bedrest for the day of transfer, which I had no problem adhering too. I actually had a wonderful valium induced nap when I got home.

Today I am back at work but really taking it easy. I have also started making myself what I call an implantation smoothie every day with pineapple core, Brazil nuts, banana, coconut butter, and clementine. I have also been having at least half an avocado every day and drinking electrolyte water.

My beta is on Easter, which is the perfect day to find out if any of my beautiful little embabies have implanted.

Again thank you all for the love and support. I am so grateful for all of the comments.

The night before our transfer appointment I lay in bed, mind racing to what I imagined were all the possible outcomes of the next morning. Obviously worst case scenario was that I would show up to be told none of my embryos made it. Best case would be that they were all going strong and I might even have one to freeze. Eventually I feel asleep and actually slept through the night.

Walking into the clinic on Tuesday morning I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that I did everything I could, and it was out of my hands.

Dr. C, the acupuncturist, met us in the waiting area and headed back to the transfer room to set up for my pre-transfer acupuncture session.

We were called back to meet with Dr. S for our pre-transfer consult meeting. This was the moment. We sat across from him at his desk while he read us the embryology report from our chart. First he went over what we already knew. 5 eggs retrieved, 4 mature, 3 fertilized normally.

And then he held up a photo of our three day three embabies. All of which were still growing and dividing. I was honestly really surprised, and so very grateful that they all made it. All of them. Two of them were 6 cell grade B, and one was 5 cell grade A.

So here is the crazy part. Both the embryologist and the doctor recommended we transfer all of them. Three. This was absolutely not on my radar as a possibility.

The doctor went on to explain that if they were to transfer two, it would be the six cell embryos because they were a little further along than the 5 cell, however the 5 cell was actually a better embryo. Because the 5 cell was lagging behind a bit (they like to see three day transfers at 6-8 cells), statistically it would have a better chance of continuing to grow in my uterus rather than in the dish. Because 8 cell embryos have the best odds of implanting on day three, they advised that we transfer all of them given that the other two were only at six cells.

Of course he addressed the risk of multiples, which he advised that our chances of getting pregnant at all were around 50%, our chances of having twins was 30-40%, and our chances of having triplets was 1%. So we went for it.

We signed the consent forms and the Doctor called the lab. I was taken back to the transfer room where Dr. C was ready for my acupuncture. I also took a valium on the way. I highly recommend acupuncture on the day of transfer. It (along with the valium) kept me very calm and happy.

The transfer itself went very quickly. The only uncomfortable part about it was that my bladder was full. It was fun to watch on the ultrasound screen as my little embabies made their entrance.

Afterwards they make you sit for 10 minutes before you can empty your bladder. Thankfully the embryologist came in to talk to us during that time which made it go very quickly. He basically confirmed everything Dr. S had told us earlier. I also asked him about any observations about egg quality. He reviewed my chart and confirmed that they did not see anything abnormal with my egg quality which was so great to hear. He also said that once inside the uterus 5 and 6 cell embryos can make it to 8 cells in an hour or so once they are settled.

He also mentioned that the potential of each embryo is decided at fertilization. He went over all of the things that could happen from here, from becoming a healthy baby, to chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, and failure to implant. It was just a reminder that it is still a long road after a positive beta. He also strongly advised against taking a HPT before beta, which I am going to try very hard not to do.

After I was able to pee Dr. C came in for my post transfer acupuncture appointment. Dr. C is not my normal acupuncturist but he owns the clinic I go to and I had met him a few times. I was immediately comfortable with him and we had a good chat while he placed the needles.

My clinic requires bedrest for the day of transfer, which I had no problem adhering too. I actually had a wonderful valium induced nap when I got home.

Today I am back at work but really taking it easy. I have also started making myself what I call an implantation smoothie every day with pineapple core, Brazil nuts, banana, coconut butter, and clementine. I have also been having at least half an avocado every day and drinking electrolyte water.

My beta is on Easter, which is the perfect day to find out if any of my beautiful little embabies have implanted.  I am hoping for a very calm TWW (by that I am hoping I don’t drive myself crazy).

Again thank you all for the love and support. I am so grateful for all of the comments.

One Year of Blogging

Yesterday was my one year blogger anniversary. I am apparently a bad blogger because I thought it was today, until I went back and checked. I have posts dated into August of last year, but that was because I pre-dated posts that were actually written in September for easy of telling my story in what would have been a MONSTER post. Actually one year ago yesterday I was just recovering from laparoscopy/hysteroscopy and trying to cope with the news that they had found stage III endometriosis. Really trying to cope with the last two years of TTC, but now there was no more denial. They had found an actual legitimate issue with me. The first few days after surgery were spent in bed, mostly sleeping, but when I started to feel better physically I totally lost it mentally/emotionally.

First I spent a few days doing research (online of course). That research eventually led me to find blogs. What a wealth of real life information! And then I started writing. And writing. And writing. For hours I wrote out everything that had happed over the previous few months. Everything that I clearly had not been able to deal with properly. Then I wrote about everything that had just happened. It was the best therapy I could have hoped for in that moment. And so became my blog. My safe place.

The last year hasn’t been my favorite. I’ve been tested quite a bit and there are days I really struggle to keep perspective on my blessed life. The past year has been packed with sadness over the loss of a loved one, unthinkable stress over the near loss of my dad, heartbreak over the disappointment of three failed IUI cycles, frustration in adjusting to a new job, and financial stress from all of the unexpected things aforementioned. I know I have a lot of blessings in my life and I am so very thankful, but this year has been hard. I am ready to start anew and I am really hoping that 32 will be so much better than 31. Truthfully I am pretty freaked out to be turning 32 this week only because I can practically hear my biological clock just tick-tick-ticking away. And I absolutely hate it when people tell me I am still young. Yes I know that 32 is not 35, 37 or 40. I get it. But I started all of this at 29 and here I am…..same place and there are really no guarantees that I won’t still be here at 35.

I can feel things have started to turn for the better. I am really working on not stressing over that which I cannot control. I am totally focused on my TWW and keeping things happy and positive….and keeping myself occupied. Next Wednesday at 10dpo the mind game will really begin and I am sure I won’t be quite as level-headed as I am at the moment.

I am infinitely grateful for all of the support in this blogger community. Until recently I didn’t actually know anyone in my everyday life who had been through this, and they amazing women who are constantly lifting each other up are a God-send. The best part is seeing the babies that represent hope for everyone else. It is the happy ending to a story and I personally love to read about my fellow friend in the trenches who has made it out. It’s so good to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I may finally get off this long road onto a much better one.

The Right Time

I have been thinking about this post for a while and now is the perfect time to actually write it.  I have a job interview tomorrow.  I have actually been looking for a job for a while now.  I started looking even harder when my husband changed jobs at the beginning of the year mostly because I travel every week and it’s incredibly difficult to be gone so much.  I actually have a really good job, and if not for the travel, I would likely stay.  I have been here for almost 7 years, some of my coworkers have been come some of my closest friends, my boss and I get along great and I have a lot of flexibility, and I have a good reputation within the company.  I was actually recently selected as one of 29 people in the entire company (it is very large company) to be mentored by someone on our senior leadership team.  All reasons to stay.  Unfortunately the drive to the south bay area is enough to make me crazy.  And I hate being away from home for 3 days a week.  It makes it impossible to have true work life balance, and clearly this is something that will be even more difficult when I have a baby.  Just doing the IUI with the unknown exact timing was stressful (although not as stressful as it would have been without L who is a life saver).   With all of that said, I cannot just leave for any job.  I have to be selective because we can’t afford for me to take a pay cut and I need something stable.  The market in my area is nothing compared to what it is in the bay area so finding a comparable job here is difficult.  So finally after all this time, and several interviews for jobs that didn’t seem quite right here I am with the best opportunity that has come to me.  The job is very comparable to my current position and the money is right.  The company is established and has a good reputation, although it is smaller than the company where I currently work.  The benefits, I have heard, are also great will full medical, dental and vision paid by the company.  All in all this is a great opportunity. 

The timing of this is sort of throwing me off.  I got the call from the recruiter a few days before my IUI.  Clearly I have no idea if I am or am not pregnant.  Maybe I am pregnant.  Maybe I am lucky enough to just need one IUI to get there.  That would be a blessing.  Such a blessing.  If this job does end up working out I would be hopeful to start in February, because my bonus is paid on January 24th.  After the intense but very successful year I have had it will have to be one hell of an offer to get me to walk away earlier.  But if I am pregnant I will be in my second trimester in February.  Not great timing and all sorts of ethical questions raised on telling them or not telling them.  I mean how could I tell them they have to wait for my bonus to be paid, and then a few weeks later tell them I will be out on maternity leave in a few months.  I am trying my best not to over think it, but if I am pregnant my decision making will be different than if I am not. 

So when is the right time to start your family?  And when you have fertility issues, how do you decide to move forward with life changing events?  Being on the TTC bench is like torture so putting that on the back burner would break my heart.  I feel like I can’t live in a land of “if I am pregnant then…”.  I have to admit that getting this job, and not traveling anymore, would benefit long term.  When we first decided to even try our life was ideal for starting a family, but all I could think was that things would never be truly perfect so you just figure it out as it comes.  As I have been going through all of this I have been listening to three songs that have helped me remain calm and patient to the unknown.  One of them is Sovereign by Chris Tomlin.  While all of the lyrics speak true to me right now, this one really hits home

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

The truth is, all I can do is trust God to lead me through all of this and make the best decisions possible.  I have been trying to remember to pray for guidance and patience and be thankful.  That’s proves to be difficult when there is something that I want so badly.  There may never be a perfect time for us to have a baby, and clearly even if there were my body wouldn’t cooperate with precise timing.  So I push on, praying and trusting in God. 

2WW of Shoes Day 7

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Today I went for comfort.  I got these boots in Portland last winter in a little boutique on 23rd st and they were super cheap.  They have held up remarkably well considering.  Speaking of, I went to Macy’s today in search of new high  black boots.  They are a staple of my wardrobe and the pair I bought last year has seen better days.  I got an awesome coupon for Macy’s and I have a gift card.  Unfortunately of the few pair that I found that I actually like, they were either unbearably uncomfortable, or they didnt have my size!  What a bummer!  They had a pretty large selection of flat black boots too, except like 90% of them had no tread!  Annoying!  I need tread!

I am working from home for the rest of the day because I am getting my carpets cleaned.  They should be here soon to start.  It seemed like a GREAT idea a few weeks ago when I scheduled, but now, with most of my furniture moved out of its place, and my husbands parents showing up in a few hours, I am not sure the timing was well thought out.  I am guessing they will probalby finish about the time that his parents arrive.  I also have errands to run that I just didn’t get to yet.  No idea when im getting that done!  Well the carpet people are here.  Wish me luck

2WW of Shoes Day 6: Back to Work

Today’s pick is pretty simple, but that’s why I bought them.  They are also courtesy of Old Navy.  I am super impressed with their flats.  They are comfortable right off the bat.  I am so Thankful for this short week of work.  Today, however, is going to be a busy one.  Tomorrow I am only coming in for a few hours in the morning, and I am sort of undecided about working on Wednesday.  My husband’s parents will be here on Tuesday so maybe I can get away with working from home.  I really shouldn’t have anything going on.  I actually have to work on Thanksgiving, from 7pm until 1 am.  I am sort of back and forth on weather or not I am going to post on my particular feelings on this.  I mean overall I think its ridiculous that Black Friday has creeped its way into Thanksgiving.  It’s just wrong, And I really hope its not successful (although I doubt that will be the case).  Anyway I will save the rest of that rant for my possible future post.  Have a happy Monday people!  Image

2WW of Shoes Day 5

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Today has been somewhat of a lazy day.  I put a pot roast in the slow cooker this morning and we have only left the house to go to church.  I have pretty much been preparing for the arrival of my husband’s family.  I am exhausted! 

Here are my shoes for the day (the only time I actually wore shoes when we went to church).  I got them at DSW over the summer.  I love that they are quilted but I haven’t worn them enough so they need to be broken in a little more, which is why I can only wear them for a short time.

 

2WW of Shoes Day 4- Weekend Edition

 

Todays kicks come to you from one of my fav shoe brands, Toms.  As I mentioned, comfort is very important to me, and as far as I am concerned you can’t beat Toms for comfort.  I have already completely worn out two pair of black toms.  These cute little stichouts I actually got aon a Zuilily flash sale over the summer.  It was sort of an impluse buy because they were literally half the price of the same ones they had online, and I love them.  The bottom of this pair is actually way more substantial than the “classic” Toms.  They don’t sell this color any more but they do have a few other colors of the same design.  I probably would have had a hard time paying $64 dollars for them (I only paid like $30).  Now that Ihave them I can see paying $64.  http://www.toms.com/womens/shoes/stitchouts/turquoise-navy-women-s-bimini-stitchouts/s

In other news, I am thinking that the extra progesterone flowing through my system must give a similar effect to “pregnancy brain” because I have been doing some stupid shit the fast few days. 

Example 1: I left the sink on after finishing brush my teeth and didn’t notice until I got out of the shower.  There is a direct line of site through my glass shower wall to the sink.  And the sink was literally on full blast.

Example 2:  I sort of “lost my sense of place” yesterday and ran into the end of a wall so hard I have a boob bruise and my knuckle is swollen.

Example 3:  I put conditioner on my face instead of facewash in the shower this morning.  One would like I would have noticed as soon as I put it on my face, but no…I actually started rubbing it in before it hit me that it was not the light and refreshing orange scent of my facewash. 

I promise I don’t normally do stuff like this!  I am almost frightened to see what kind of stuff I do when I actually get pregnant. 

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2WW of shoes Day 3

Here is today’s shoes.  I actually haven’t worn these in quite some time so clearly my little challenge for myself is already working out (making me wear stuff I don’t normally wear).  These are from Cathy Jean but like 2 years ago.  The top part is in pretty good shape, but I have had to super glue on the bottoms a few times.  Cathy Jean has some cute stuff but its not meant to last a long time.  I was in search of some gray boots and these fit the bill.  They also have tread on the bottom, which not all boots do.  I can’t buy boots without tread or I will end up falling on my face (its actually happened).  I have paired my boots with a cute grey sweater dress and black leggings.    Maybe if I have another 2WW I will do 2 weeks of leggings.  They are my favorite.  Where do I stand on the whole leggings as pants controversy?  Well there are some leggings that can be worn as pants, and some that probably shouldnt be, but are ok under an extra long sweater or dress.  There is one thing that I am sure of though, tights are NOT PANTS.  EVER.  I would think this would be obvious, however the receptionist in our office this week wore see through black tights as pants earlier in the week, paired with a sweater.  Not a particularly long one either.  You could literally see her butt crack.  I am in shock her boss didn’t send her home.  So inappropriate.  Anyway enough on my rant about that. 

In other news, my stomach has been slightly upset the past 36 hours or so.  I am not sure if this is from the progesterone, or from constipation (which is always an issue for me).  Since I haven’t been drinking coffee things are moving even slower than normal.  I had a big container of assorted veggies (brussel sprouts, squash, green beans and some mashed sweet potato) from Whole Foods for lunch today so hopefully that helps.  I have been doing an awesome job of drinking a ton of water the past few weeks but that doesn’t seem to be helping.  Otherwise I have been feeling really tired.  I don’t have a super busy work week thankfully so I have been letting my body get extra rest.  I am sure that can’t hurt! 

Happy Friday to everyone!

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