IUI #3 and ICLW

Hello ICLW bloggers and welcome!

I was extremely grateful for MLK day yesterday, because I was in no mental or emotional place to be working. After my chat with the RE on Sunday at my ultrasound I really struggled to keep it together. Sunday we had some people over to watch the 49er game (my husband is a HUGE fan), which I was really not in the mood for, but I guess it kept my mind off of things. Monday, however, was a day with no plans other than going into the RE’s office for my IUI. I completely understand why they don’t discuss the “what if”, because I was a mess. I do not want to be negative about this cycle but I am pretty much scared to death. After the IUI yesterday I came home and slept, for like three hours. It was the best sleep I have gotten in quite a while, but unfortunately I had a hard time sleeping last night!

Since as of my IUI yesterday I had not yet ovulated, I did a second one today. The doctor (Dr A), came in and talked to my husband and me together this time about the next step. During my ten minutes of table time post IUI my husband and I discussed the options and basically decided we would do another IUI with injectables in a few months after I adjust to my new job. Overall I have felt better today about everything. I told L this morning that I feel like I just started and it doesn’t seem possible that I could already be here, making decisions on IVF and injectables. My first IUI was like 5 minutes ago.

I spent most of the day trying to wrap my head around all of this and trying to find faith in this cycle, and not looking past it like it doesn’t exist. I am really hoping that we can go away on the weekend of the 8th to the Ocean. I am not sure if it will be Bodega Bay or the Santa Cruz area, but I just feel like I need some Ocean air.

 

Ultrasound Day (IUI #3)

Today is ultrasound day (CD11).  I was very surprised that my OPK kit was positive because the last two cycles it wasn’t positive until CD12.  It was the darkest positive line I have gotten ever.  I went to the clinic and saw Dr A.  This is the first time I have met her.

The ultrasound went well.  She said my lining was good, but I will have to check my patient website to see exactly what it was because she did not tell me.  I had several follicles on both sides, but only one that was mature enough to ovulate.  I was really hoping for two, especially with the increase in Letrozole this cycle.  Either way I have one that is ready to go, so they gave me my Ovidrel shot and tomorrow is IUI day.

After the ultrasound I asked Dr. A what happens if this one, IUI number three, doesn’t work.  In hindsight I really wish I had had this conversation with Dr. M.  Not that the answer would have been different, but I just have a familiarity with him that fosters trust.  However, with what was the shit show of cycle day one and my clinic being totally unorganized with my treatment plan, I sort of felt like I had to ask today.  Also I have no idea which doctor I will see tomorrow, or when I will get a chance to see Dr. M again.  Basically she said after three failed IUI’s they do a regroup, which makes total sense.  If it comes to this, I am going to insist on having this regroup with Dr. M.  Anyway, she said that based on my endometriosis, and that we also have male factor issues or best chance is IVF with ICSI.  I was a little surprised that she would bring up the male factor because my husband’s numbers have all been in the range of normal since he started taking the fertility vitamins.  I wasn’t going to go into that with her, but something I will bring up with Dr. M.  She said that there is a possibility that if the sperm is actually getting to my egg, they haven’t been able to penetrate the shell.  She said I have responded well to the letrozole and we could try another IUI with a low dose of injectables but they usually don’t do more than 4 IUI’s before moving on to IVF.  I always thought it was six.    When I left she gave me a sheet on injectables.  I also asked how the injectable cycle would differ with appointments and what not, and basically she said that there may be 2-3 ultrasounds (and no OPK), rather than just one.

I am feeling pretty overwhelmed by all the information.  Our first IUI seems like it was only 5 minutes ago, so it doesn’t seem real that we could be here already.  I really don’t want to think about the “what if it doesn’t work”  I want to be positive.  We are in no way able to afford IVF right now so I have no idea what we will do.  For now I am trying to stay calm and relaxed.  Through all of this my husband has never said anything but positive “this is going to work” type things.  Last night in bed he said “I have no idea what we are going to do if this doesn’t work”.  Unfortunately I had a headache and really wasn’t up for talking in length about it.  He mentioned that “we already have a kid”.  Yes, we do.  Except I am not his mother.  I didn’t get to hold him as a baby.  I don’t get to go to the first day of school with him. He doesn’t call me mommy.   I am absolutely his parent, but not his mother.  My husband will never understand the difference, because he is his father.  I believe in the depths of my soul that I am supposed to be a mother.

Tonight I am going to pray.  Take a deep breath, and just pray.

Pill Poppin

I am admittedly not a great “pill taker”.  By that I don’t mean that I have trouble swallowing them but I have trouble remembering to take them at the same time of the day every day.  You would think that I would be awesome at it, because I have had to take a pill for my thyroid my entire life, but truthfully I have always struggled with it. 

I have tried several things that have been somewhat successful, like keeping my thyroid pill bottle in my car, so as soon as I get in the car to go to work I see it and take my pill.  That works great, until the weekend when I don’t necessarily get in the car in the morning.  I have also tried keeping it in the bathroom, but will all the other stuff cluttering my counter; the bottle would get buried or stuffed in a drawer….and out of sight out of mind unfortunately.  For the past few years I have been pretty good about taking it at the same time consistently which has been a major win for me. 

Well…..now with all the added supplements and extra medicine that I have to take on certain days, at certain times….I am screwed.  Especially since a lot of what I am taking shouldn’t be mixed with other things.  Oh, and in addition to all the extra pills (especially on cycle day 3-12), my primary doctor just changed my thyroid dosage.   I have to take one dosage Monday-Friday and a different one on the weekends.  This makes things even more difficult to keep track!   For the record I have been awesome about taking all of my prescribed pills every day as required.  Not one miss.  What does seem to get missed is my supplements, because they have to be taken at odd times so they aren’t mixed with the actual medication.   So I finally broke down and got 4x a day pill box.  I feel like an old lady using this thing, but it has already helped so much.  You can actually pop out the boxes and take them with you, which is pretty awesome, and they are super deep so they can actually fit my big calcium chews.  It is also awesome when I travel that I won’t have a huge bag of pill bottles.  I can just take the boxes I need which will take up a lot less space!

In other news…..

The end of last week really sucked.  After my not-so-wonderful experience with my clinic on Thursday my drive home (which is about 130 miles), took four and a half hours.  There was one complete hour that I only moved 9 miles.  By the end of the drive, even though I was finally able to go 70 mph, I was in tears.  Sobbing.  And completely freaking out about the “what if this doesn’t work and I never get pregnant”  I have never let myself get there.  To that place where I really let myself thing/believe that it is impossible for me to have a child.  Yes I completely realize that two years and two IUI’s is nothing in the scope of infertility.  Unfortunately it was the perfect storm on Thursday and after hours in traffic I was mentally and physically exhausted.  A perfect time for my emotions to take over.  When I finally got home I was a zombie.  I felt horrible because obviously I hadn’t seen my husband since Monday, and he was leaving the next day for the weekend.  But I just couldn’t.  I took a bath, and we watched a few of our taped shows but I just couldn’t talk.  At all.  And after all of that I started Friday with a migraine.  Thankfully I was able to kick it fully by noon, but I was not myself all Friday. 

I started my Letrozole on Friday night.  My RE actually upped the dosage from 5 to 7.5.  No explanation was offered to me to explain why he decided to do that, which is annoying.  I spent all of Saturday with my Step son and babysitting my friend’s little girl who is two.  Sunday was a day for me.  My husband was gone in SoCal, and I spent the day reorganizing my closet.  It was amazing.  I still have a few things left to organize, but it’s a million times better than before.  It had really gotten out of control.  It just makes me feel better to see it in order.  Being able to walk in and actually see everything is amazing.  Today I am wearing a shirt I forgot I even had!  It was a great way to start the week, and today I am much more relaxed.   Of course since I spent pretty much all day doing the reorg, I did not go grocery shopping, so that is on the list for after work today. 

CD1 and Pissed! Updated

Ok, to be clear I am not pissed that it is cycle day one. I am happy about that actually. I could totally tell it was going to happen today when I was getting ready this morning so I actually prepared. My lady parts are wreaking some serious havoc and I sort of feel like crawling under the table in the fetal position, but such is my life with endometriosis. I will power through (I hope).

So why am I so pissed? Well….I called my clinic to let them know that it was CD1 and I need my meds like any good fertility drug addict would do and when they called me back this is kind of how it went…

Nurse: Hi, I got your message that it is cycle day one for you, but we don’t have a treatment plan for your right now.
Me: UM WHAT!?!?! How is that possible!?!?!

I will pause for a moment to reflect on this first bit of news. First, I talked to a nurse on Tuesday, two days ago, when she called me to let me know that my second IUI was not successful and before I hung up the phone I specifically asked her if my next step was to call back on CD1 for my next go. Her answer was YES. After my first failed IUI, the clinic wouldn’t even call me with the beta results until my doctor had reviewed my results and written up a new treatment plan. Apparently that was the “protocol”, and it appears in the last 30 days said protocol has changed. When the nurse called with my IUI #2 results she was certainly not offering up what I was to do next, I had to pull it out of her. So I ask you, what if I hadn’t asked the nurse on Tuesday what to do, and had not called today on CD1. Would they have just forgotten about me/gave up on me after two IUI’s because no doctor ever gave me a new treatment plan? Clearly all of this is Cycle Day sensitive, and my period has shown up the second morning after stopping progesterone so there really isn’t a lot of time to just dilly-dally around waiting for a doctor at the clinic to realize that I am in fact, not pregnant and suggest what to do next.

Ok…back to the conversation between me and the nurse today….

Nurse: Well, Dr M and Dr A are here, but Doctor SA is YOUR doctor and I am not sure if he is available to give you a new treatment plan but I will see what I can do…(and keeps talking and talking and talking….)
Me: Ok stop for one second please. Why is Dr. SA now my doctor when Dr M has been my doctor for the past six months? I have only met Dr SA twice, because he happened to be the procedure doctor on the day of my IUI. We have never even had a conversation!
Nurse: Well its our protocol that the doctor that treats you does your next treatment plan.
Me: Well I would really feel more comfortable if Dr M would do it because I have actually met with him multiple times and like I said, I have never even had a real conversation with Dr. SA.
Nurse: Ok well I will ask Dr M if he will do it since he is here. We will call you when your treatment plan is done.
Me: Thanks.

I totally understand that RE clinics have to be open 365 days a year due to the time sensitive nature of all of this. And I know that the Doctors do other things besides just see patience in the office, like surgery. I accept the fact that I will not always get to see my doctor every time I go in for an ultrasound or IUI and I am ok with that. I am not ok with having someone who I have never talked to make a treatment plan for me. Maybe I am overreacting, but there is a huge difference between someone performing a procedure on you that they have done a million times (like an ultrasound), and someone who actually is going to give a recommendation on the next step. What if they come back with something different than what I have been doing the last two months? Will the doctor explain to me why he is making a change, and how it will affect me differently? They don’t ever say “well if this doesn’t work then we will move on to this….”

This whole process is upsetting, personal, and really emotional. I feel like the only pseudo security is feeling like the doctors you are entrusting with your body (and money), know what they are doing, and know YOU and your personal issues/situation. I don’t even like to go to my primary care doctor and find out I have to see someone different, and this is just on a whole other level. I went from feeling happy to get this cycle moving to sort of feeling insecure and betrayed in all of 30 minutes. I feel like the clinic should give you a little 10 minute tutorial on what to actually expect so at least I won’t be surprised about the way they do things.

😦

UPDATE:

The nurse did call me back and let me know that my Dr, Dr M, gave me a new treatment plan. By new, she actually means exactly the same as the past two. This is update worthy because she also told me that I needed to take a home pregnancy test before she would call it in. So basically, on Tuesday they called me to tell me my beta was less than one, but today, Thursday, I need to take a home pregnancy test to relive the disappointment? Its been 20 days since my IUI, and I am full flow right red crimson tide…..and have had a confirmed negative blood test….but you want me to pee on a freaking stick? You have got to be kidding me. When I questioned her on why this was necessary she seemed surprised (btw it was necessary before my first IUI cycle, which was understandable, but not before my second….because you know, I had just had a negative blood test!). She left me on hold for like 5 minutes and then came back to tell me that the blood test would suffice as my negative pregnancy test. Well I really hope so because if you can’t trust a blood test to tell you that you aren’t pregnant, what can you trust really?
So everything is back on track, and I have my plan for the cycle which is good. I am just not sure why it had to be so difficult to get there…..

IUI #2 Results

Yesterday afternoon was my beta and the clinic called today. Verdict: Negative.

The clinic actually called me around noon time (rather than the end of the day). I was sitting at my desk with L having lunch literally in the middle of telling a story. When I got off the phone, I pretty much said, “well its negative” and just kept telling my story. I don’t know that I was really ready to feel it yet. That is what I expected to hear, so I wasn’t surprised, but I did still have hope that just maybe it would be positive. As the day has gone on I have started to feel the weight of the news more and more. I want to stuff my face with bad thinks like Tapatio Doritos and ice cream (not together), but so far I settled for a See’s candy and some raw veggies.

I am hopeful my period arrives by the end of the week. I have had all sorts of fun PMS symptoms the past few days, so hopefully AF shows up ASAP. I already got my calendar out to plan my next cycle. Its the last IUI attempt I can do for a few months. I am starting my new job mid Feb (assuming all goes as planned), and I will have no idea what my schedule will be, or how easily I can slip out for Dr’s appointments randomly 3 days in a row. I am hopeful I will be able to work it out to try again a few months after starting the job. It keep focusing on the fact that if my next (3rd) IUI doesn’t work out, and we take a break for a few months, I have no shot of having a due date in 2014. I will just be happy to be pregnant at some point, regardless of the month or year my baby is actually born, but this year just started, so it’s a little disappointing to think about going all of 2014 with no baby in my arms.

I am in the bay area for the next few days for work, but thankfully L is here so tonight we can have sushi and I can possibly drown my sorrows in a glass of wine. I am going to try my best to not drown them in retail therapy, but that could be tough with all the amazing shopping literally steps away from my hotel.

My husband is going to visit some friends in SoCal for the weekend, so I think I might get a facial on Sunday. I feel like I need to do something good for myself and I have been wanting one for a while.

In other news, I have decided my first project of 2014 will be to reorganize all the closets in my house. I actually got a good start in the front/coat closet. I think I did a pretty awesome job of organizing all of our Christmas stuff, as I put it away, so everything is stacked neatly and labeled. I think I am going to tackle our closet next, which will be by far the biggest job. Project #2 will be to organize all drawers and cabinets. The act of organizing is something I do to cope. I can literally do it in silence for hours, but it helps me clear my head. At least it’s productive (and not destructive)!

OK AF…..show up already!